Better longer lasting orgasms – Tantric Tips – Part one

Of Tantra: “you must perceive what you are through knowing yourself and your pleasures;  for  only  then  can  you  give  the  pleasure  you  seek  and  accept  the pleasure given to you.”

Yeah I know, I’m sure most of us have heard of extended, prolonged, multiples and edging. Quite likely we’ve even had a go at trying a few tips from articles in women’s magazines. Sometimes with success. But quite often due to the nature of magazines, the content being scant and the information lacking depth, it’s all a little bit vague. So the difference can be a bit meh. And often we don’t bother. Instead of researching further and sticking at it. We just return to what we know and miss that opportunity to expand our experience in terms of quality.

Basically anyhow, it all pretty much boils down to “just back off and repeat” doesn’t it? Well yes that is key ….but there’s a little more to it all than that IF you really want to learn how. And when you do learn how, it’ll become easier to do, than not. Magazine articles generally don’t give you the tools to condition yourself to make it easy.

Although essentially (re-)training yourself to focus on relaxing at exactly the right moment – that really is how to make it work. Never lose sight of that tip. Those wanting a thorough, more spiritual Tantric training, with all the history and authentic ritual thrown in, should probably go straight to the brilliant website and work through the Female Alone Rituals. Even if you later involve a partner.

http://www.sexinformations.com/supernatural-sex/female-rituals-awakening.html

Those who want to learn but prefer a pared down version, of the essentials, with tips, read on. You should however refer to the site for more detail any time you are unsure.

But before you do, here’s where we women, gay and straight alike, are too often our own worst enemy. You hear many say “my libido’s low. I’m rarely in the mood. If I’m not with a partner I don’t really bother …” as if women are programmed by some comparison with a male erection that they should FEEL horny, have some visible sign, before they even consider having sex.

Yes that happens. But guess what, if you don’t use those muscles, those lubricating glands, those nerve endings, if you don’t engorge those tissues, they kind of just sit there. It happen less often. Hydration is another issue often overlooked.

Women out and about, may from habit try to limit their fluid intake and their need for a public loo. So few of them, if you can find one at all, are pleasant. Maybe we drink coffee, but not enough water and then that dehydrates us further. As does alcohol. Add in hormone fluctuations and you aren’t really helping your body get aroused even if it wanted to. And so we notice it less. We tune out, instead of tuning in.

However, women luckily only need a willingness to have sex, to have sex. And the more you do, the more the desire will be there. To sit and wait patiently for that little pulsing twitch of arousal before engaging alone or with a partner, is a self-fulfilling prophesy. You’re probably so distracted elsewhere anyhow, that you’ll miss it.

Time to tune in, take back control and make it part of your daily well-being routine.

To be clear, the site would expect you to do one exercise per night. The clue is in the way they’ve called it Seven nights of the Tantra, but if you make sufficient alone time, you can get through the stages comfortably in 2-3 nights. But you must be focused and undisturbed. The exercises themselves will relax you. You’ll sleep well afterwards as they are a lovely calming prelude.

The stages begin with awareness, move onto focusing and finally control rituals. Each skill set building upon the one before. Which is why you should definitely do them in order, even if you do so over a shorter time-frame. And that is where the difference really kicks in. Doing it this way gives you the tools, the conditioning, to layer one method of focus over another.

But after that, for maximum benefit, it is crucial to practise what you’ve learned, regularly. The more often you do so, the more second nature it becomes. The better you get at it and the more prolonged and expansive your pleasure can be. With or without a partner. But in order to train a partner how it works for you, it will help communication hugely if you know already, exactly how to do it alone. And even jointly with a partner, you would each do the stages alone before coming back together. A little aside here, the way women make love together is more oriented towards a turn-taking approach than heteros often are, and so Tantric type activities are an easy aspect to introduce to a partnership.

So there are two words that can be a little confusing, but crucial to know the difference. Mantra and Yantra. Don’t panic. Simply they are shorthand ways of tapping into the conditioning, to help you to distract yourself from impending orgasm – enabling you to get closer and closer each time and stay there as long as you wish without going over the edge. But still go over the edge when you want to. Oh and you know that loose die (I mean the cubic thing that if you hadn’t lost its soul mate would be in a board game for next Christmas) you have in your desk drawer … you might want to move it to the bedside table. After this, it’ll get more use there.

 

Mantra and Yantra.

A Mantra is just a phrase of sounds without meaning. Strictly, the site being true to its origin, rightly uses very specific ones for each stage.

Omm Adhi Ommm              (awakening/awareness)

Pahhh Dahhh O-mahmmm   (control)

But us Westerners being a little coy, even though the mantras can be said silently, might find even those a little awkward. So I have a little tip… if when instructed to “repeat the Mantra 2x” you say nothing else but a short string of numbers or colours or even part of the tonal scale it’s fine… But I’d advise that for the control one simply get into the habit of saying “Relax, Relax, Relax” Begin by saying it so you can hear it yourself. It’ll help later on. It’s all you need.

Word of warning…I remember a lover making reassuring Shh, shh shh sounds to me which was erm…reassuring. Just a little disconcerting when I watched her in her day-job as a canine hydro-therapist and heard her saying exactly the same sounds to calm the swimming dogs.

[The tonal scale as it happens is thanks to Brother Guido d’Arezzo who wanted a way to preserve and annotate ancient music. Instead of inventing random sounds, he used “Ut Queant Laxis,” a well-known vespers hymn of the Middle Ages. Each line of the hymn began one note higher than the one before. He use the first letters of each word of each line: UT queant laxis, REsonare fibris: MIre gestorum , FAmuli tuorum: SOLve, etc. “Ut” was changed to “Do” to simplify its pronunciation] http://mentalfloss.com/article/53280/why-are-notes-tonal-scale-called-do-re-mi

A Yantra is simply an image you call to mind. For the purposes of these exercises, at times it’ll be of yourself. Usually laying on the bed. Naked, knees bent. Feet sole to sole. At other times it’ll be the blackness of a chalkboard

onto which in your mind, you will write a short phrase or word. Whatever spiritual spin you want to put on this, in physiological and psychological terms all you are doing is conditioning your brain to immediately focus on what you want it to, in order to delay orgasm and allow yourself to remain as close as you wish, for as long as you wish.

Most of us know if we are very still, and really focus on our body, that as arousal grows, the second we feel orgasm approach, we tend to grab at it there and then. Tensing up glutes, quads, abs triggering it. We have taught ourselves that from that first vaginal involuntary muscle twitch, it’s close. With some partners, especially new ones or the slightly heavy handed or erratic ones, we fear, if we don’t NOW, we may not get another chance. And so to avoid frustration we just go for it. Almost to *get one in the bag*. Teaching yourself these control techniques will free you a little from that. They’ll give you the confidence to ride the crest of the pleasure wave a little longer. Confident that you won’t lose it.

Going through these stages one at a time will help you really embed the skills, in a way unlike any brief magazine article ever has.

Why say Relax?

Those familiar with the 80’s might be a little confused as it’s kind of opposite to what the lyric promises. So forget that song for now. And concentrate. You’ll find the word Relax connects immediately. You know instantly what it means – as will any partner you later want to share this with. Whether they are the giver or receiver. And it’s enough to trigger you to release the tension in your abs, glutes, legs, and groin. As soon as you release all those muscles, imminent orgasm, subsides. [Ideally a partner, male or female, should do the phases alone also until it’s second nature for them too] Simply by focusing sufficiently on exactly what is happening, which requires stillness and concentration, you will be able to increase the height of your pleasure and expand the length of time you are able to stay there, without tipping over the edge, until YOU decide you want to.

So here’s an abridged flavour of the Awakening Ritual.

It involves watching yourself touch and caress, various body parts in turn. Internalising the sensation and the image. There will be many women who feel right now, there is no way on earth they could ever do this. This way. So instead, I advise you to adapt it to your comfort zone. Clothed or unclothed. No mirror, do so.

If you prefer, lay down. That’s how you’d do the next stage anyhow. On a bed – knees bent, supported on pillows, sole to sole. I’m sure many will feel they already have a good enough imagination to visualise it. And it would be a shame to allow some edict to alienate you from exploring this. Do what feels okay for you, now. Where you are in your own being. Adapt. Purists can do their thing, you do yours. And do not coerce a partner out of their comfort zone, later. If they want low lights. To be draped, listen.

This is what I meant in an earlier blog about Tantric things in particular, often being so rigid and proscriptive that it can alienate the very women who might benefit most with the calm slow loving application of their teachings. So I say, don’t be put off. Simply recognise what it is they are trying to do. Be true to their ways, where you feel you can, but where you need to, for whatever reason, adapt them to suit your own needs. Your own physicality and psychology.

————————————–

Awakening Ritual

Have a bath, shower. Turn off all distractions.

Standing naked, in front of a full length mirror.

Concentrate on what you see and the sensations you feel.

There are three stages to this ritual.

 

Stage one

Firstly, in turn your index fingers very slowly trace the lips of your mouth as you concentrate on the sensations whilst watching the reflection of yourself doing this. Watching is so that you can visualise this later. The reflection you see now, will be the Yantra, you call to mind later. Take your time at every step. Slow. Sensual.

Next, your left hand slowly moves down from your lips to cup your right breast, as you sensually take time to explore it, moving on to feel the texture of the areola. Then rolling the nipple between your thumb and index finger. At this point you say your chosen Mantra twice. Your left hand returns to your side. As your right hand now moves from your lips, down to slowly repeat the same for your left breast.

After which both hands return to your abdomen, just below the navel as you say the Mantra once. All the time watching yourself do this.

Now your hands part slightly, and both slowly palms flat, fingers relaxed, trace down towards your pubic area. Concentrating on the softness, the warmth, the sensation as your hands come to rest on the vulva. Pressing firmly enough on the outer labia that you can feel the warmth from your hands, as you twice repeat the Mantra. [Note the timing of saying the Mantra twice is at moments of heightened sensation]

That concludes stage one.

Stage two

Repeat everything, exactly as you just did, the only difference being with your eyes closed, the image or Yantra of yourself in mind. And crucially, feel the touch as if it is by the hands of another.

Stage three

Is again with your eyes closed. Yantra in mind. This time, they are your hands, touching the body of another.

It is advised you repeat these twice a day, including first thing in the morning. This forms the basis of all the following rituals, most importantly Focusing and Control…so do them until they are second nature. Having a list nearby the first time might be ok but after that …not so much.

——————————————-

Yantric Body

This is another exercise where you envisage the vaginal muscles. And contract and relax to aid muscle focus. Pretty much like Kegels but without the tedium. In fact I mentioned this in the last blog, in the part about stillness at the start of penetration.

——————————————-

Focusing Ritual

 Note the One Hour Rule is used here… basically NO orgasm for a full hour before or after this exercise. It’s not punishment, it’s to help maintain high arousal for an expanded timeframe but also to stop you cutting corners whilst you are bedding in your techniques. Think of it as suspense. Delayed gratification. It’s worth it.

You will need to do the Focusing ritual for 2-3 nights before moving onto the stage after this.

Begin…

Laying naked on the bed. Knees bent, supported on pillows, feet sole to sole, heel to heel. They’ll say it’s about energy but helpfully it partly disengages the glutes making it more easy to relax into arousal, without triggering orgasm because you have added awareness of tensing your muscles. You may find having a rolled duvet or pillows under your shoulders might help a little with reach later on. Be comfortable, so that any actions you are required to carry out  can be achieved in a relaxed state.

 As before (in brief – remembering the Mantras at each stage)

Fingers to lips

Left hand to right breast (Mx2)

Left hand left side

Right hand left breast (Mx2)

Hands to navel (Mx1)

Hands to vulva (Mx2)

With this addition…When hands are either side of the vulva, move the palms inwards together. Using the thumb of each hand, spread the outer labia and lay the tips of your index finger either side of your clitoral shaft.

Practically the thumbs need to be above (cephalic) and either side of the clitoris. At 11 and 1 positions otherwise your index fingers won’t be in the right place. They also talk about the thumb and index crossing and it’s very unclear but what they mean is… hook your left thumb deep under the left outer flesh that surrounds the clitoris, so that the left thumb is going towards the left little finger.

If you get that bit right, and you hook your thumbs in high enough, your index fingers will naturally “cross” the thumbs as each reaches towards the clit shaft. In that as each thumb is now pointing towards the little finger of its own hand, the index finger is moving towards the centre line of the body. Now making it anatomically possible to lay each index finger pointing feet-wards, either side of the clit.

At this point, if you have managed that without being double jointed or getting your hands in a knot …well done.

Gently press on your clitoral shaft as a reward!

Now repeat from lips etc, with your eyes closed. Keeping the Yantra (image of yourself being touched by another) at all times.

Then repeat again, with the Yantra of you, but with the sensation of your hands touching another.

For best results, stick with this a few nights before adding in refinements of the next stage. Remember, no orgasm until an hour after you finish the ritual.

 

—————————————-

Intensifying Focus

 This is exactly the same as the previous Focusing Ritual so I won’t repeat, but hyped up a little with these additions when you reach the thumb/index fingers clit pressing stage.

From thumbs spreading labia and index fingers pressing clit, release the thumbs and allow the index fingers to slowly sensually slide down to the vulva (Mx2) then beyond the introitus, to the perineum (Mx2). Hands to vulva (Mx2). Thumbs to labia, index fingers to clitoral shaft (M2x). Hands to vulva. (M2x) Hands to abdomen.

[Some might wish to add in the anus at this stage, in the same manner as the perineum. But make sure everywhere is clean as bacteria transferred back to vagina or urethra can cause issues. Feel free to omit if you prefer.]

Repeat twice, once eyes closed as if being touched by another. Then again, as if you are touching someone else.

Lips>Breasts>Abdomen>Vulva>Clit>Vulva>Perineum>Vulva>Clit>Vulva>Abdomen

 

——————————————

Control of Pleasure

“you must learn to control the senses of pleasure..”

Control Mantra:

Pahhh, Dahhh. O­mahmmm

or Relax, Relax, Relax!

Now it gets interesting… and IF you have spent time over the last few nights on the Awareness Mantras and Yantras, this bit should be fun, but remember, it’s only just the beginning of what you are building towards. Longer lasting, expanded, controlled orgasms.

Exactly as before. On your back. Knees bent and supported. Heels to heels, sole to sole. Begin with the focusing and intensifying focus rituals. All the time remembering when to use the Awareness Mantras and the Yantra image.

At the stage where the thumbs spread the labia wide apart and the index fingers lie feet-ward gently pressing alongside the clitoral shaft, you really need to focus.

Allow your right index finger to slowly massage the clitoris as your left index finger traces the rest of the vulva. All the time keeping the image in your head of exactly what is being done. Really focus your mind on the specific body part being touched.

All the while maintaining the knees bent, feet to feet position, continue very slowly, sensuously with whatever feels good.

As soon as you feel on the verge of orgasm, immediately say the control mantra, ie Relax, relax, relax…and remove your hands and rest them on your abdomen. Now instead of picturing yourself touching yourself, switch it to a blackboard, and in your mind write your control Mantra ie Relax, relax, relax on the board.

Here’s the hard bit …

The ONE-HOUR RULE applies, orgasms are banned for ONE HOUR until after the ritual is complete. So get up, distract yourself, maybe set your alarm…after the hour passes, you can come any way you like, no rules.

The more often you employ the Control Ritual, the more rigidly you stick to it, the easier it gets. The closer and closer you can get to orgasm as many times as you like.

That’s where later on the dice comes in … “how many times shall I force myself to wait before allowing myself …”

When you try this ritual, if you want to repeat it, in subsequent sessions, be sure to let all the muscles, of glutes, groin, thighs and abdomen completely relax, and the energy subside before you resume.

Remember for the full, spiritual experience, read more on the brilliant site I mentioned earlier in the piece. My piece is purely meant as an intro. With enough depth to get you started, hopefully with some success.

Part two ..still to come

How To Harness Your Inner Lesbian ~ Hands-Free

 

How To Harness Your Inner Lesbian
~ Hands-free

Now look, before we go any further, let’s get something straight. It’s always best not to make assumptions about gay women. Just like gay men, we don’t all do things that people might assume we do. Neither do we necessarily not do things you might assume we don’t. Nor do we do or not do things, for the reasons you might suppose. Got it?

Basically, there are no set rules or assumptions to be made about which gay women do, or don’t do, certain things. Nor inferences to be made about relationship dynamics. These days, thank goodness, things are pretty fluid. With the exception of a few niche women at the extremes, in fixed dynamics, the majority of us are usually somewhere in the middle and somewhat versatile.

Whispers … that means chances are in a partnership, when it comes to various activities we probably both give and receive. It’s not quite like it is in the old movies.

How much, really depends upon whom you are with at any time. With some lovers it might be a little more, with others a little less than 50/50. It’s usually wise to start at that point. It allows for two people to discover themselves, as well as each other. Start too far in either direction and some might find themselves unable to flourish and grow in self-discovery unless they leave that particular relationship.

It’s not always been like that. Thanks to the separatist feminist types exerting peer pressure, too many women can miss out on fulfilling their own sexual potential. I remember coming across a few from Brighton in the early 90s. There was quite a climate of disapproval at the time of anything that might in any way whatsoever appear to resemble heterosexual ingress. At ridiculous levels too. There was even a feminist movement against tampons. Occasionally revived today. And if as an adult you’ve tried alternatives for a few days you’ll know just how restrictive, demeaning and downright quality of life destroying that can be. I feel for those who for health reasons, have no choice.

Add into that, as a young gay woman, the toxic peer pressure that
any form of penetrative sex, alone or with a partner… is verboten.
Is an attempt to mimic heterosexual sex.
Is an attempt at a male/female dynamic.
Is an attack upon other women.
Is a betrayal of lesbianism.

And other such bullshit, and you can see how pervasive that message can be to a gay woman’s sexual expression and self discovery. Especially if she’s in a fragile place coming to terms with, and exploring, her possibly new found sexuality.

To imply that for a woman, any penetrative act means she really wants a man is as misguided as saying a gay guy who indulges in a penetrative act with another guy, really wants a woman. It’s not about what goes where. It’s about who is making the delivery. And in general we gay women, strangely enough, tend to prefer to sleep with other women. Biology has evolved to gift women, yes even the gay ones, genitalia which not only enjoy external stimulation, but sometimes crave fullness. With pleasurable areas, such as the A-spot (anterior fornix) deep within, that only ET could reach with ease.

Looking at recent data, “British researchers have calculated the average length of an erect penis is 13.12cm (5.16in)”, an averagely endowed chap might struggle. With that in mind, gay women most certainly have the pic n mix advantage.I’m not going to go into every possible combination of tooling up, I’ll just jump in and base it on tried and tested experience.

So that you can just be, as one. In the moment.

The basics

-Harness style
Does it really matter? Yes! Never forget what it is you are trying to achieve:

Intimate
Hands-free
Controllable
Reliable
Internal contact and
Stimulation.

Some like a boxer style. Others fail from the off with sleazy flimsy plastic. The smart ones invest in quality, leather. You won’t regret it. It’s not a fashion show. It’s not porn. Going hands-free is about making it part of you. Literally an extension of your body. So that the chosen dildo moves, as you move. In the way you want it to. And in the way she needs it to. So that it takes little effort and the effect is reproducible. So that you can just be, as one. In the moment. Not faffing about in frustration, trying to rescue a noob style cock-up.

A single strap-type might not give the stability required as well as a two strap soft leather harness will. Vegans can find neoprene alternatives but I can’t vouch for their stability. Fact of life…cows die. You may as well put their by-products to good use and celebrate their life with love.;) Leather gives a little, tightens very well, but is still comfortable to wear. And very durable if nurtured. Outlasting many relationships.

One minor but vital adjustment you might bear in mind is, IF using the harness with a flared base type dildo, it’s wise to sew a small soft leather, chamois panel to the back of the O ring area. That’s the bit that the dildo passes through. Simply because silicone -the Queen of dildo manufacturing material- is quite grippy. With the base directly against your body, motion can pull even closely trimmed hair. It’s a mood killer. Comfort is a must.

-How To Wear It
Tight, tight, tight. This cannot be stressed enough. Not only will the wearer feel secure and therefore more confident, the direct transmission of movement will be enhanced. Stability is crucial.

What do I mean by stability? I mean that you need the base of the dildo -if using that style- to remain tight to the body. So whether you are putting it on yourself or on another, never undo the D rings, you don’t need to.

Two strap harnesses are generally sized within a fairly wide range. If standing, you just step into it as if underwear. If laying down, just work out which are the leg holes and put it on your partner or yourself the same way. Tighten it up a little, so it won’t fall down, before you lift the large ring part away from the body and pull your chosen dildo through the ring from the back. Then, after it’s lined up, [some are curved, point it whichever way you choose] pull the waist straps tight before you do the same with the crotch straps. They loop over the waistband so can either be positioned together between the buttocks. Or slid much wider, more like a climbing harness. Or around the SI joints (dimples in the lower back, either side of the spine) Whichever you prefer, keep them tight and evenly located. Some run for a pair of boxers over the top – but you’ll be surprised how secure you feel without. If however, for some reason you wish to travel outside of your home, wearing it – tooled or untooled- snug boxers would be advised. The look on a girlfriend’s face as you just pull your jeans’ waistband aside to expose a glimpse of that narrow black leather strap …in a restaurant or coffee shop, is priceless. Apparently.

Many women don’t own their own harness. Let alone an array of dildos. You definitely should. A decent harness is a worthwhile investment. Sh! Womenstore’s own handmade soft leather two strap is £45.

https://www.sh-womenstore.com/leather-2-strap-harness.html

You should be so familiar with your harness that you can identify the parts in the dark, by touch and put it on yourself. That way you will be able to deftly put it on a partner which is a pretty hot thing to do, and will encourage even the slightly shy reluctant but eager to please lovers.

It can be a bit awkward the first time the subject arises and many a passionate moment has been lost by the one expected to wear it, disappearing off to the loo with a cat’s cradle of leather straps feeling a bit of pressure, and strutting back in like John Wayne. Humour in the bedroom is good – I know I laugh a lot. But so too is a degree of confidence and being able to bluff your way at moments when a degree of expectation is on your shoulders. Seamlessly. The more familiar you are with how it feels to wear it, the more you’ll transmit that to your partner.

A huge error is to wear it high up on the pubic bone above the clitoris. How exactly do you expect to feel anything? There’s a literal disconnect. Biologically, in the foetus, the phallus evolves into either a clitoris or a penis. The dildo is an extension. Therefore it makes sense to wear it so the base is directly on top of the clitoris. Apply a little lube. It helps to be closely trimmed. And strap in tightly for maximum feedback. This is about mutual pleasure. The more pleasure the wearer gets, the more willing and eager to please the receiving partner. And the more connected and in the moment they’ll both feel. In either role it’s important to be able to relate to the sensation the other might be experiencing. That’s why solo experimentation, familiarisation and practise is vital. Communication will be so much easier and intuitive.

-Dildo or Feeldoe?
Harnesses are just for flared based dildos right? To hold them in
place. Those Feeldoes pictured below [and similar generics]
do away with the need for a harness. That’s the whole point, right? No harness needed. Yeah! Or is it?

The Feeldoe is brilliant, it was designed by women for women, with no need for a harness. The shorter bulbous end (3.5″ insertable length), held in place by the wearer’s own muscles and natural anatomy(the longer end is around 6 3/4″ insertable length at full depth when worn). It’s fine, it works.

However, when making love, you want to be relaxed. Sensitive to your partner’s needs. Free to move in whichever way you want. Wherever you need. Uninhibited by the concern it might slip out just as you reposition. And thrusts, gentle or more enthused, to the receiver, need to feel confident. That they won’t suddenly be interrupted. They need to have a degree of reliable rhythmic anticipation. My advice would be, however good it feels as it is, put it in a harness and it’s even better, for both but especially for the wearer. Both of you should feel more confident and relaxed. Just try it before you dismiss it. Perhaps alone first. Which after all is a good idea. For all sorts of reasons. Not least of which is self control and pacing.

With a harness it’s worn the same way. Loosely step into the harness. Then with it in place, slip the long end of the Feeldoe from the back of the ring through to the front about half way. Then line up the bulbous end so it’s between your legs and the bulb is pointing back and up, and insert it as deeply and snugly as you can. Hold it tight to your body. Then pull the harness ring as far down the shaft as you can go so the ridges come through. First tighten the waist straps to sit just above your hip bones. Next whilst pushing the bulb deep, pull the two straps together between your legs but OVER the base of the Feeldoe. My original has a groove. Not sure about the later models (or the vibe ones). Then, make sure they are evenly spaced on the waist band, around SI joint (dimples in small of back) or wider and pull them tight.

You are looking for snug and secure, without independent side to side motion.

A similar but less effective result can be achieved by the harness wearer if using a dildo, using a cuff of leather on the crotch straps to retain their own in place. You’ll feel the fullness but you won’t get the reciprocal motion that the Feeldoe will transmit.

For this reason, for both partner’s maximum pleasure, and mutual control, I’d advocate the Feeldoe, with a harness.

-Size
An error noobs often make when buying their first dildo, is to go too big in girth or too short in length and some insist upon straight uniform. The standard go to advice for sizing them is …veg. Really. Buy a selection of suitably shaped veg and erm, break out a few condoms and lube and try… then when you find what feels about right in (insertable) length and girth. Measure up and buy. Always buy silicone. It’s worth the cost. The smoothness, the firmness with give, durability, it quickly reaches body temperature. But take care of it. And preferably USE CONDOMS. Not only to protect the surface, but if sharing, the healthy deep flora in one woman is likely to upset the delicate balance of another.

Having said that, it’s good to have a variety of sizes and shapes. But if I was with a new partner and they wanted to try, I’d be very wary of offering anything too small or too big. Something mid range with good length unless asked otherwise. Being able to feel it in use is crucial. And I think is often at issue with lack lustre previous encounters.

The same goes for many gay women’s assumption that a dildo must be straight with no shape. There’s a big difference between going realistic, flesh coloured, so it does look as if someone’s trying to imitate reality (a whole other ball game) and something with some shape, particularly at the tip, that enhances sensation because it works with a woman’s natural anatomy. Why would you work against your own anatomy?

Other stores are available but I’m a long term satisfied customer of both Sh! and BabesNHorny since they first traded.

Here’s Sh! Womenstore’s full range including Feeldoes and their own version.

https://www.sh-womenstore.com/shop/sex-toys/dildos.html?limit=all

Here’s BabesNHorny

If you want no texture at all try:
Babes Classics range.
http://www.babes-n-horny.com/21-babes-classics

If you want some glans type texture but not *graphically realistic* try their
Horny Essentials range.
http://www.babes-n-horny.com/26-horny-essentials.

Before you reject that. Think about how the glans of a basic Rabbit feels.

-Lube
Essential. Liquid Silk, thin, water-based, easily renewed with a little spray of water, is a favourite. Avoid silicone based lubes as they’ll destroy your silicone toy. And avoid gel types which are more suited to other avenues of exploration and quickly get gunky.

Lube is NOT an arousal issue. It is about added sensuality, comfort and preventing friction soreness that may not be apparent at the time it’s caused. Silicone NEVER goes soft. It never loses its firmness. It can keep going as long as you desire. No amount of natural lubrication arousal can keep up.

Also, as mentioned before, silicone is grippy. Inadequate lube on the entire length of the shaft can cause a woman’s anatomy to get dragged on the out-stroke and in worst case scenario slightly pinched on the in-stroke.

NEWSFLASH: Most real women are not built like surgically mutilated porn stars. Don’t believe me ? Look at http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/shop/great-wall-vagina-book-0

Furthermore, if a partner asks for more lube -she shouldn’t have to ask- you MUST listen. Because if you ignore that request and go ahead without, how is that consensual?

Silicone has many great qualities but is also a dust magnet so, you MUST make sure in use, it doesn’t come into contact with any crumbs or bits of debris in the vicinity of its use.. Check visually and double check again by touch, BEFORE you lube it up for use.

As the wearer, that is YOUR responsibility. Clean it pre-use. Hot soapy water, rinse. A useful idea is to use a couple of Tupperware style cereal boxes. The sort with the hole flap in the lid. Fill one with chilled water/ice packs and drinks. And the other with an array of ready washed *toys*, in a mild Milton solution. A few hours shouldn’t cause discolouration. But store them clean and dry in their own bag…away from pets.

As beautiful as silicone dildos can be -check out BabesNHorny which was founded by RA artists and Sh!– leaving them on show, is likely to end with an awkward situation whereby a pet wanders in, dildo in mouth, just as your mother or boss is sitting down for tea.

STOP COPYING PORN.

-Performance
Yes I know, fact is many gay women have little or no personal experience of heterosexual intercourse. Further, some eager to tool-up, refuse any sort of penetrative acts themselves. Some don’t know their own bodies. So I understand how straight porn might be their only reference. But there are points to be learned from it and certainly points to be avoided.

What you see is deliberately visual. Positioned for the camera, not the comfort and pleasure of the participants. Much is fake, unrealistic. Even the tame content can be humiliating and really not to be a role model. IF you are going to use it as reference, then at least try the Instructional categories. The Tantric ones.

I still hold that many straight/bi women would be naturally better at this than many gay women inhibited by lack of experience and all the associated sexual politics. Another reason why it is so important to be totally familiar with it, alone before you try it on another.

-Body contact
Women are sensual. Love-making is a whole body and mind experience. Maintain contact. Maximum contact. Make sure whatever position you are in -and keep those to a core few you can perfect- you have body to body contact. It grounds. It comforts. It reassures. It sensualises. It’s erotic.

Please forget what you see in 99.9% of hetero-porn. In nearly every depiction of hetero intercourse (and the faux lesbian stuff) the body to body contact is sparse. I’m not sure it’s entirely about camera angles. Perhaps it’s a deliberate disconnection. But with what I know of women’s sensuality, it looks odd. Just that awareness itself, if you act upon it, will make a huge impact.

Instead try looking at some of the free content ErosExotica puts out on YP. Not so much for exotic positioning but for the overall mood, respect, mutuality, it’s much more suited to sensual love-making.

-Slowly, slowly
If you have partner whom you’d like to use a FD on you but perhaps they feel a bit shy, or inexperienced, try this … it’ll feel to them as if you are doing the work, but trust me, it’ll build their confidence. [Send her to the loo first!]

Offer to put the harness and FD on them, assuring her she won’t need to do anything except lay back and consent to wearing the FD. Take control. Put it on your partner without fuss. When it’s at the hips, push the FD through the back of the harness panel, so the bulbous end -put a small amount of lube on it- is in position resting, but ready for her to either allow you to insert it for her, or do it herself. When it’s in, push it close to the body and tighten the straps. Now, generously lube up the entire length of the FD. Be aware that this might be the first time she realises she’ll be able to feel some movement as you apply it.

It can be a little full on the first time having someone new straddle you, bouncing up and down like a clapping monkey. So maybe don’t scare her just yet. We shy ones need careful handling. Keep a light sheet to hand too for covering. Something as simple as that can relax someone who might be otherwise be distracted and unsettled.

So instead of straddling her, upright, ignoring the FD for now, it’ll lay under you, straddle her but so you are leaning sensually, feeling the warmth, abs to abs, chest to chest, kissing. Your weight on your knees [bent under you a little like Yoga’s child’s pose] and forearms. Reassure her she need do nothing. In fact it’s important to your trust, that she doesn’t thrust. You are in control. When you feel ready, subtly [here’s where prior practise helps] find the FD and erm get to a comfortable depth. Instead of back and forth, still abs and chests together, concentrate on a slow side to side motion. If you feel self conscious, remember, the wearer can feel the motion. The more you lean forwards, the more the firmness of the FD shaft will flick across your G-spot area. If you push your hips to hers as you do it, the focus will switch to external stimulation. Then as you go a little deeper but still only side to side and take the pressure off the hips, you’ll find the A-spot or epicenter. It’s a deep, dull spot, 2-3″ deeper than the G-spot on the same anterior wall, that responds not to ramming thrusts but sustained pulsing massaging pressure. Ideally a slow 1.25 cycles/second. Later rising to 2.5 cycles/second.

At this point you’ll find it desirable to straighten your legs more so your weight is now spread between forearms, abdomen, hips and knees. You’ll find this three point stimulation will allow you to very easily but subtly switch between A/G/C spots as the arousal in each grows. Ebbing and flowing. The good thing about the A-spot is if you near or trigger orgasm by its stimulation, you can carry on as it doesn’t get over-sensitive.

All the while your partner will be getting maximum sensuality internally herself, as well as body to body.

Indeed, if roles are switched, ie confident one is wearing the FD, the novice can be sensitively encouraged to just lay on you, as you gently move her side to side. But DO NOT thrust, as it can be a very deep, vulnerable position. And if she is not fully in control you could hurt her and she’ll never trust you again.

When we feel a little shy, exposed, anything face down, will help comfort, reassure and dissipate any perceived pressure to perform. And it helps to remember that the goal is sensuality, pleasure. If orgasm occurs with penetration, it’s a bonus but not the goal.

-Focus
Don’t keep pulling your partner around switching positions. Guys mostly do that to delay their own orgasm for her benefit. Feeldoes and dildos don’t go soft. There will last as long as you need. In any position. Women need sustained stimulation, to feel secure, to anticipate. To relax. To build.

-Thrusting

Unless specifically asked, don’t tease but don’t rush. Slow down. Stillness is very important to sensuality. Also you will never keep up a rampant rate for many strokes, so don’t try. Too many start away from their partner’s body and thrust from there. It’s exhausting and inefficient.

And people wrongly think fast full thrusts, ie very shallow to very deep are what’s required. Hip motion, circling, grinding, pelvis to pelvis is far more effective.

For variety check out the Taoist 9-1, 8-2 etc

If you have familiarised yourself with the FD. You will realise that a very small muscular movement is required to effect the perception of quite a large FD movement. And the deeper you are AT REST -ie in a NEUTRAL RELAXED position, the tinier the movement required, to FEEL big.

So, for example, face to face in simple missionary [you may need a pillow under her hips – and a towel is always wise], with a FD, if at rest, perfectly still, you are more or less full depth, it would only take a GENTLE pulsing of the hips/glutes to be significantly felt around the A-spot.

In this case I’d say, trying slowly penetrating -FD well lubed- but NOT thrusting. Let her feel the stillness. Let her contract and relax around the FD. And just lay there, still, kissing, breathing, holding. As the arousal builds in both of you, your hips will instinctively want to push against each other. Just let is occur naturally.

If you are wearing the FD, if you are unfamiliar with it, you might be surprised at how it feels really good, TELL HER, but not overwhelming. And just when you think it’ll carry on like that, fairly plateaued, it can catch you out. So beware of the edge. But don’t feel self conscious. Don’t fight it. TELL HER. She’ll be aroused by the knowing, what she’s sensing anyhow from your musculature. And because wearing the FD for you it’ll mainly be G-spot, you won’t be ultra-sensitive. You won’t need to stop.

A nice loving sensual, whole body alternate, is ELEPHANT. Partner face down, pillow under hips if required. The FD wearer straddles from behind, legs outside of hers, which would be very hard if the FD wasn’t in a harness.

And if you go on all fours, ASK her, don’t just pull her into position. Although many women like it, they often don’t enjoy the exposure. Nor the jostling about. It can feel very humiliating. Tread carefully. Loads of pillows, rolled up duvet. Hold her close, tight. Light touch can feel insecure. It’s incredibly sexy to reach round and hold her hips and upper thighs or pubic bone so she can feel the warmth of your fingers radiating just close enough that she’s anticipating your direct touch.

TIPS

In any case, I think it’s really important try not to pin her hips down even when maintaining body contact. You can inadvertently inhibit someone if you position them so they can’t instinctively move even subtly. Same goes for ensuring, in missionary they are free to use their feet however they wish. That might be being able to put them flat to allow wider range of hip positioning.

Imagine, pre-ingress. You’re face to face, kissing. You can both feel the FD is between your bodies. You’re both anticipating the moment. Isn’t it better to allow her just enough hip movement, that IF she wanted, she could manoeuvre and initiate that moment?

Another sign often misread is feeling her legs and feet lock around your hips. Going back to an earlier point, we’re programmed to think we should be visibly thrusting. So feeling our movement restricted, we think it’s a signal to stop. [If in doubt ask!]

Quite often, it’s actually a signal of an overwhelming desire for you to be as deep inside her as you can get. [ask!] In that moment, instead of thinking about having to withdraw to thrust, just keep rocking, pushing against her. ie push, relax, push, relax.

Some gay women love penetration, but prefer it after other activities as a kind of pre-sleep warm down. Others might sometimes want to go straight to it, slowly, prior to any other touch if only to feel it more fully. Also, many women, can take it or leave it most of the time but crave very deep gentle,  type penetration in the last 7-10 days of menstrual cycle.

Remember  years of sexual politics might have affected your lover’s exploration, so communicate. If you don’t ask you may never find out what she might like to try. And if she has certain parameters, be very respectful. Women who’ve experienced previous trauma are often further inhibited in their sexual expression due to new lovers not hearing what is being said. There are probably things she’d love to do but doesn’t know how to ask. Or needs certain conditions to feel present. Listen. Learn. Facilitate. Occasionally surprise. But always be gentle in heart, mind and body.

Oh and one final point…
No lollygagging 😉 *shudders*

Labels: How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

These days we increasingly inhabit online worlds as de rigueur. We adopt convenient, no nonsense labels. ‘I am this, that, or the other’. It cuts through the crap. Filters out a lot of the chaff. Saves time. Creates a product, a brand. Says ‘I am here, this is me, accept it or frankly f**k off… I don’t have time for this. Next…!’

This is particularly prevalent shorthand when it comes to issues of sexuality. Talking about sex is a good thing. An essential part of any intimate relationship, in my opinion. I remember vividly the scary HIV/AIDS tombstone campaign and all the TV programmes suddenly, shockingly back then, talking about … gasp … condoms. For my age group, it was a gift. I’ve known nothing else than to have to be okay about at least mentioning issues of safer sex. Incidentally, lesbians are, by activity, thankfully, generally the least risky group. Aside of course from those few who do engage in risky practises. And by the way, yes, lesbians do use condoms. But perhaps not for the reasons you might imagine.

Being able to talk about sex is particularly vital for women who have experienced sexual abuse, assault, and violence. Frankly, for us, if we can’t talk to you, the person we are in bed with, then really we shouldn’t be in bed with you at all. So bear that in mind next time someone feels brave enough to ask you to adjust, or modify what you are doing. Or wants, needs to take things slowly, before you take offence and complain that you ‘just can’t get anything right’. You might just have blown your chance at having a great lover. Yes you might have done fine up until now, no complaints, by just falling into bed on lust and hoping for the best. A real stud, huh? Slow hand clap.

What about when that touch gives her a flashback? Are you really enabling her to feel able to say ‘slow down’, ‘stop’. What about that moment … you know, the moment just a split second before you penetrate her. Do you know, it’s ok? How? Did you ask? Did you have a safe word agreed beforehand and she told you, begged you to go ahead, do whatever you want until and unless she uttered it? Or did you, do you, just assume it’s ok to penetrate her body unless she says ‘STOP!’ or ‘NO!’? How do you know, if you haven’t talked openly, before you’ve ever had sex? For what it’s worth, when I’m the giver, that moment, scares me. It’s one of the main reasons I hold back, delay, wait just a little longer. I’d rather wait for, ‘Please, now…’ than assume I can go ahead until she says ‘No!’. But I guess my mindset is coloured by my own experiences. Perhaps I need to learn to display a little more unrestrained, but consensual, passion. Be a little more lustful and animalistic. Unleash the passion. Make her feel totally desired. Yes, the more I think about it, I think that’s exactly what I need to do. But how?

I can just see it. I’ll get to the point where I might one day be considering dating again. And into my life will walk, a woman who will know exactly what she wants. And how to get it. And she won’t hold back in spelling it out. Perhaps when, if we ever get to that point, the conversation over several days, might go something like this ….

HER: “By the way, I can be a bit of a pillow princess“, she’ll say, mid some other random conversation, whilst getting to know each other. Probably via some sort of online media, since that seems to be the way things develop first these days.I’ll rack my brains for the meaning. Doesn’t that mean someone who takes. Especially oral sex, but won’t, can’t reciprocate? That little lesbian/bi chestnut. Hmmm, hang on, this is a self-deprecating insult, surely?

ME: “Erm, I’m not sure that’s something to be particularly proud of, you know, being lazy in bed!”

HER: “Well, I like it. I love the dynamic. And it’s worked for me so far.”

ME: “But.., okay, is it about any specific activity? It’s just that after you said it, I did a bit of research, so I could understand more. To know what I might be getting into. And the things I read, by a self-styled pillow princess, weren’t very encouraging. She was boasting about seducing women. Getting her fill of pleasure and then as she put it, when it was their turn, making a hasty exit. Blue-clitting them, I think she said. Frankly I was pretty disgusted.”

HER: “But pillow princesses with stone butches work ok. I love that dynamic.”

ME: “Stone butches? You mean the gay women who won’t let the other party touch them at all? Those? Ok, I can see how with them, the whole pillow princess thing would work ….but…”

HER: “But it’s worked for me so far. I like it. What’s the big deal?”

ME: “Well, I guess for those two, no big deal. But really, for most people, if you really desire your partner, you want to make them feel desired too. To express your love for them. You know quite often, the givers are the ones who most need to learn to receive. To touch someone, with love, to caress them, see them, feel them relax and let go, it’s a very special thing. It’s a huge part of the sexual experience. But it must be possible to be more versatile and just ask for that dynamic from time to time…I mean take Tantric stuff, that is all about letting the other totally pleasure you whilst you totally relax. But it works both ways.”

HER: “But I don’t want to ask all the time…”

ME: “It’s not about asking all the time. It’s about saying I’d like to try xyz or I love xyz, then leave it up to the other person so they know what is/isn’t okay. Please think for a while about the difference between knowing what you like and want in bed. And communicating and negotiating that, within a healthy sexual relationship. Not the same thing. But both vital. Chicken & egg… Even more so where one person has perhaps been abused or assaulted.”

This would feel like a breakthrough moment. Now or never. I’d know soon if she had heard me. If she was serious, I’d soon know if I could breathe a sigh of relief…or give up.

HER: “I know. I’ve been with someone who was. It is all about communication but also a build up of trust x”

ME: “I look forward to you maybe teaching me more about what you need/want x”

HER: “But what about you? X Your wants/needs?”

ME: “Depends what’s on the table?…”

At this stage it wouldn’t feel as if much was on the table at all, to be honest.

ME: “Okay. For a start…the things we’ve talked about already this evening. Works for me in both roles. Even if the giver prefers to be slightly passive! I don’t have any huge outlandish desires. Mainly sensuality, gentleness…being pushed a little. Simple really.”

HER: “I do too.”

I’d feel the need to keep this going. To soften her. My God, she’d asked me. Even this felt like progress. Maybe she’s hoping I’ll say things about being the dominant person she desires. I can do that. But it isn’t my first choice… Perhaps… if I’m open, vulnerable, honest. She might see that the person she want to be desired, ravished by, has those same needs.

ME: “PERFECT. The last few years when a woman pops into my head…in a moment of fantasy, it’s often that feeling of their warmth/weight …being erm… But it works both ways. It’s very sexy when the other takes control.

So ..is there anything you have always been curious about but never tried?”

HER: “I do like being dominated… And sometimes a bit rough…”

THIS, was her chance again to assert her needs. Bravely, more clearly. But it would scare me. I’d need to find out exactly what she meant. I could feel myself welling up at even the thought of doing something, being asked, expected, to do something, that to me might seem abusive or humiliating. And to someone I might one day love… Heartbreaking. I would need to come back to this. Sleep on it. Push her to explain a little more. And brace myself.

ME: “You’ll have to teach me how to give you what you need ..in a safe way. I’m open to exploring it.”

A moment of reassurance for her, that I too would be willing to shift.

HER: “You know the dynamic. I like it when someone is in control…consented control. Anyway you need to tell me yours, your fantasies, what do you like?”

Would this be a moment of shift for her? Until now she had looked to me as the potential provider of the dynamic she desired. How would she react when I reflected back at her, what she had said to me?

ME: “Oh …that …what I like or what I read about and am curious about but haven’t tried?? In the heat of the moment …alone …depending on a number of things … There are alternate images … Because I guess it’s those moments alone, that are quite telling … I’ve a history of reading/being curious about BDSM but I think for me, it’s just the power/psychology/ perhaps, at a push, if brave, very very mild restraint but not in any way shape or form PAIN, I HATE PAIN, I hate abuse or anything demeaning or humiliating. Revolts me when I see it on YP. (See earlier blog!) I have to always feel safe (physically/psychologically/emotionally) and comfortable. Otherwise just not into it at all. So there’s a curiosity but not sure it’d translate into reality ..we shall see…That is very different from the image that comes into my mind when…I’m thinking of, craving the secure, weight, strength, warmth, passion of a woman, on me/in me, thrusting… Or vice versa… But also, I remember a lover. She lay me down, told me to be still, sat at my side, put one leg over me ..and in “15min orgasm” style (look it up) just very gently/precisely ..took control. Then 3x more…that was special. Very very intense.”

HER: “I know exactly what you mean. Light restraint. Consented control.”

ME: “So late last night I was looking on Reddit and places, to see what people said about … the subject you brought up. Consensus is it means different things to different people. So what does D/s mean to you? For some it seems there’s underlying sexual anxiety and when someone else takes over it lets them off.”

HER: “Honestly, I suppose in life I’m usually in control. I want it to be the other way around… In bed. I love the dynamic..”

ME: “So some of the women, from what I read needed quite extreme things. Things that might seem quite abusive. And for others, well it sounded as if it was more about passion. Feeling (male) partner’s strength – lust-driven thrusts etc. I recall a previous lover saying as much to me. Loved knowing how much stronger/bigger I was than her but that with gentle touch, she loved how she could control me!”

HER: “It is the passion. Strength. It’s difficult to explain.”

ME: “I understand that bit fully. It’s what I fantasise about. And to be honest ..don’t we all nearly always pin someone’s hands down when we kiss them? I quite like the passivity …”

HER: Well then, it seems you and I will get along…

ME: “But I also like being passive from time to time! Because otherwise I’d always be in control – in real life and in bed… I guess you will have to train me to be the Dom you need me to be. Like be clear when I can/need to go further. I’ll soon get the hang of it...Consent has to be key. Clear at all times. Bottom line!”

HER: “Of course! You’ve reminded me. Reminded me of how I used to feel.”

ME: “I love that. That I’ve reminded you. I know *talking* about sex can be boring – unromantic, but it can be a kind of sexy foreplay. So …could you cope with my demanding fantasies? Would they put you out of your comfort zone?”

HER: “Yes I believe I can. No definitely not out of my comfort zone. You can push me though x.

ME: “Oh.. I get it …if I want you to f**k me .. I just strap you up and ..say the word …is that how this works?”

A joke, but her response to this will tell me if there’s genuinely any chance of a shift away from the 90/10 closer to 50/50. Though, for her mind, I might settle for 70/30, 60/40.

HER: “I am versatile. Whatever you want / we want. I’ll do.”

All along, this would have been the moment I feared would never come. The moment, when she realised, her desires, might also be my desires and that because we each shared them, it could potentially make each of us better at giving them to each other. Why deny each other that, through labels? Miscommunication?

ME: “Oh …right. Perfect. Me too. But I do find it kind of sexy that you are MAKING me get in touch with my more Dominant side. Expanding my experience. Who’s the *submissive*? Lol, I think it’s more like big S little d, *S/d*. You can push me too. Whichever role you are in.”

HER: “Oh I’ll draw it out in you…Depends how much you want me x”

ME: “I want your mind, so my desire for your body kind of follows. So far, you are a very good mind-f**k. As opposed to a head-f**k.”

HER: “And hopefully a good …..”

ME: “Anyhow ..hmmm versatile tonight, huh? I could have walked away days ago thinking you were rigid. Fixed in your pillow princess ways …”

HER: “Oh right really?”

ME: “It was a conversation with a friend that stopped me. I concluded that I felt you were open enough to possibly shifting a little more to 70/30, 60/40 than the 90/10 I originally feared, and I felt I could live with that …because interests, careers, mind, humour, were ideal …Otherwise I might have worried you were too fixed (from the impression you gave)… Maybe next time start the awkward sex conversation bit with .. “I am versatile but I do love exploring the *D/s side too.., and you like switching*.” It sounds more, sort of, erm mutual but clear that you know what you want and how to get it.” You just need to give other people, the chance to fulfil those wants and needs. You might be pleasantly surprised!”

HER: “Right… you know what, I really think we will get on just fine!”

So, readers, if what you actually mean is … ‘I want passion, I want to feel desired. To feel your passion and lust for me. I need to feel that moment when, you let biology take over and you drop your inhibitions, just for a moment. Lost, in the moment.’ Why not just say that, from the start? … You might just get exactly that. Because if you don’t say it. Or you send mixed messages. She might walk away, and you will never know…if perhaps, one day you should have married her.

[thank you to the women who suggested and otherwise helped inspire this blogpost]

Sexual Language, How Hard Can It Be? – How Would A Straight Girl Know How To Flirt With A Gay Girl?

Sexual language, how hard can it be ?

In the course of researching for a few other pieces, I started to get a little annoyed at the supposedly non-negotiable sexual edicts I was seeing. “Don’t say vagina or flowery words like Yoni (the Tantric word) you MUST say pussy”. Says a particular, supposedly woman empowering, American site. It’s all about using charged language apparently … “Pussy is just more charged, isn’t it? Going into charged territory is sexy. It increases sensation”

Yeah? Well as a gay woman when I hear another person talk to me about any “pussy” they’d better be talking about a four legged animal. So no, not in my piece, about that topic, we won’t be “celebrating” the word..  I don’t find it in the least bit sexy. Even then, even in a feline context for me it still grates and is not a word I ever use. Aside from here in this blog obviously. As a child of the 70s I was fed quite enough of Mrs Slocombe‘s pussy to last a lifetime.

I’m reminded of a recent bad reaction of mine to the word being used in a playful, flirtatious exchange with a friend. One whom I deeply respect and adore. Having just generally said words to the effect that I love flirtatious women. She’d immediately and very generously (bravely, for a straight girl) responded with an x-rated double entendre. Which was absolutely fine and very funny. But … in it was the P word.

And my reaction of a howling scream of Noooooooo, was to the word itself and not at all the imagery. It really grated, I got a sort of hetero porn flashback, and I just didn’t want her to feel she had to demean herself. She’s far classier than that. Which means, she really doesn’t even have to try. She just is naturally flirtatious, which is sexy. But I realise, I guess it’s how a guy might do it and anyway, how would a straight girl know how to flirt with a gay girl?  The answer is, … subtly, teasingly, playfully, classily. Despite being gay, I’m a woman first. And for the avoidance of any doubt, it’s just a random e.g. I picked out of the air. I’m not having a go at them at all. And they’re very unlikely to ever read this. FFS it’s a blog. Some weeks I’m short of inspiration. 😉

So back to that word …Pussy

To me it’s a particularly porn centric, objectifying, sleazy, hetero male word that I just cannot stand. Along with a whole list of others. And yet really I don’t have any major issue with mainstream porn itself. Truly, oddly even, I really don’t. Some of it, I actually quite like. With a few caveats, obviously. Ooooh, I feel another topic coming.

I just don’t want to hear the sort of language it uses. Or, moving on, for that matter. See the sort of contorted, pouty facial expressions depicted. Nor feel the stereotypical hetero-porn moves. I’m particularly thinking of the humiliating, rear entry arse slapping type behaviour. And yes, I do know what happens internally when one’s glutes are slapped. But … to quote Ecclesiastes:

“there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens….”

And for me, in that specific moment, that time, isn’t then.

 And as gorgeous as a lover might be, I certainly don’t want to open my eyes to see some doe-eyed woman sucking at my clit, staring up at me for approval.… Because my brain just switches into …*omg ..she thinks she’s in some sort of seedy porn flick …urgh just get out of my body and my bed….* sort of mode.

Yeah ok I get it. You can’t ask because you’ve got your mouth full. And you’re just trying to check I’m loving your work. And I applaud you, (with blessed relief, let me tell you) for having the breeding to not try to speak with your mouth full. But there are other ways to get feedback. Please please don’t stare at me while we’re having sex. I struggle enough with the fact we even have to be in the same room to have sex, to be honest. But that’s just me. Don’t make it any harder.

When I’m in congress, I want to feel safe, loved, protected, enjoyed, indulged, not like a performing seal or an X Factor panel judge. My hand gently on the back of your head, or reaching down holding your free hand and my focussed concentration should speak for itself. But I do admit to being particularly sensitive to inelegant language in all situations. That doesn’t mean I don’t swear. I have been known to have a bit of an online rant now and again.

But for me, a huge portion of flirtation, sexual attraction, and desire goes on intellectually. What you say, how you say it. The way you manage to play mental gymnastics as you seduce my brain, is what does it for me. Typical female Gemini in that respect. Seduced by your intellect and your language. [*blushes with the acknowledgment I’m going to be ribbed again for that reference.]

But it should be pretty obvious that with language, it’s all about context.

Here’s how it works … same words. Totally different meanings.Telling me in the cold light of day you want to f**k me. Or want me to f**k you … is quite aggressive and a real turn off, for me at least.

Pinning me to the bed, up against the wall,  straddling my leg, passionately kissing my lips, my neck and breathlessly whispering it into my ear … is a whole other thing. Furthermore, if we’re already in bed, and you say it, I will read that as like, now. If we’re in bed and technically ingressed. Is that a word ? It is now. Saying that phrase, I personally would mean: if you aren’t moving, now would be a good time to begin. And if you are already moving, it would mean… ramp it up a bit. And if I say it again, either ramp it up some more, or you were just not paying attention the first time. Obviously, if I just say , F*** you! .. I’m probably just not that into you. In any respect.

With the right person, some instructional graphic language, in the heat of the moment, can be very very sexy. So long as you have a sexy RP voice ! Look we all have our thing. Well-spoken women are my thing, ok ?

For me, pussy just does not work. It just never will. I really dislike the word, in every context. I refuse to use it. Although I might allude to it now and again. And I confess I did smile at a particularly cute and very sexy flirty cat postcard recently. It would have looked quite good here. But that’s an exception.

Hmmm, the other c word, yeah I use that, if I’m really really angry. But if a woman I knew well called me a c***, I’d take it as a jokey rebuke. God help any man who used it against me though. That’s taboo. But just don’t use it to me in ANY sexual sense. Again because it smacks of hetero, pouty bimbo porn. It’s a fragile thing sexuality and language.

My annoyance isn’t just restricted to the “you MUST say pussy” edict. There are a few others that particularly stand out for me, across various expansive sexual activities.

Edicts

A common sexual edict, is about lighting.

You must have bright lighting.

Another is about how the woman must have her eyes open, be propped up, staring down at her partner touching her. In bright lighting.

Yet another is about exposure. Full well lit, nakedness, whilst being stared at.

Personally, I find these particularly disturbing. It is always assumed that women don’t want bright lighting because of low self esteem or poor body image or shyness. They’re even gaslighted about it. Get over yourself. Get over your insecurities. Particular edicts that are often key parts of practices touted as helping women explore and expand their sexual experience. Or even to facilitate a healing process after rape or sexual abuse traumas.

Well I’ve news for you. It is precisely these edits that exclude the very women they claim to help heal. And indeed, adapted to her needs can help heal. But only if the woman herself is able to say so, or if her partner is aware enough to take executive action. It’s not at all about body image. Or shyness. It is about feeling safe. It’s about us, not you, being able to control the conditions we need in order to stay present. To be sexual. To keep the ghosts away. On these things there is no negotiation.

For me, with a partner, any stream of bright light, in my eye line or ambient light above a certain level and it almost paralyses me. It is cripplingly distracting. Disturbing, and I just don’t feel safe enough. And if I don’t feel safe, I can’t be present. And if I can’t be present, flashbacks can occur. Which is probably why I’m so aware of how these edicts must be excluding other women.

We may over time, take baby steps as we feel safer in ourselves and with you. Sex for women is largely in the brain before it’s anywhere else, so language really plays a huge part. Listen to what she says. She may be telling you more than you realise.

And really, in the heat of the moment … mid passion, do body parts even need a name ? They become you. If I’m kissing you and I say “ I want to taste you” .. you can be pretty damned sure, I don’t mean the back of your hand….

The Tyranny Of Orgasm – Stop Trying To Make Her ….

Stop Trying To Make Her Come

Apparently “lesbians know the secret to the best orgasms you’re not having”, so says a recent Guardian article citing a Journal of Sexual Medicine survey on how often they are likely to have an orgasm with a regular partner. And apparently it’s the poor old bi women who lose out most. The timing of the publication, has increased my sense of guilt at side-stepping this group in the past. I feel I owe them. Sort of. Maybe. Since they’re coming off worst, so to speak.

Why would it be, that bi women fare so badly? Worse than all men, who are on a mean ratio of 85%, women are on 63%, lesbians are on 75%. Is it that they aren’t specialising? Always thinking the grass is greener, maybe? Moving between partners too fast, because they can, and so never investing themselves wholly in any one partner? Or are the men intimidated by the knowledge another woman has the upper hand? Or are the women the bi women choose the sleep with, also short-changing them? I wish the survey had gone deeper into the female bi numbers. What percentage of that sample are having sex with other bi women or straight curious ones, as opposed to having sex with actual gay women? Or are they not emotionally invested in either a male or female partner, more often, which is leading to the miss rate? Who knows? But read on McMuff and I’ll do my best over the coming months to share what I’ve learned about trying to be a considerate lover to women.

During a conversation with a male friend some years ago. He reminded me of something, that I’d said to him years before, when we had been discussing women, as you do. Remarkably, he said that ever since, every time he had slept with a woman, my words had been in his head. It had totally changed how he was with women. It was apparently that powerful. Damn it, if only I’d known, I could have really made mischief. I could have ruined his life….

So there we were chatting about sleeping with women and all the things we each loved about them, when he uttered the cringe-making fateful words … “and make them come.”

My face would have been something akin to a Munch.

Ooops how did that wonderful work of art by Leftfootforward.org get in there.

My bad …

What’s the big deal?

I know it’s not just men who say it. It’s all over lads’ mag articles, which isn’t much of a surprise. But it’s in Cosmo articles, in the titles, even. Women say it about themselves. About their partners’ role. Regardless of sleeping with men or women. Even gay women saying it about their lovers and themselves. *Oh shit, it’s not them. It’s me isn’t it?*

So what’s my issue with it? After all it’s accurate isn’t it? Just saying it like it is, right? No, it isn’t. The thing that has stuck in his head ever since.

Here’s what I said to him:

“I really don’t like that phrase”

“What, ‘make her come’, why?”

“It’s just …Look, as a woman’s lover, it’s just not your job ever to try to make any woman come. It’s not for you, the other person, to decide when she’s going to have an orgasm. That’s a very arrogant thing to do. Your job is to do whatever she needs, for as long as she needs, in the way that she needs, so that her body reaches orgasm, when it is ready. In its own time. However long it takes. Not because you have decided she should have an orgasm, now. And then you suddenly decide to speed up. It’s so annoying. Lesbians do it too…[I’m sure I was sounding like Donald Duck at this point] ”

That short exchange changed how he made love to women from that point onwards.. so he claimed.

You women who slept with that guy; we’ll call him Andrew, because that’s what his mum calls him, owe me. Big time !

Definition: Make v.t  to cause, induce or compel.

Learn to listen to your lover’s body, it tells you everything you need to know

Lovers who generally are too goal oriented and don’t do enough listening, are bad lovers in the long term. They ignore the journey. The overall pleasure of the sensuality of lovemaking. They fail to learn. They fail to develop intuition. Is it any wonder the initial excitement fades if there’s no deeper foundation. Learn to listen to your lover’s body, it tells you everything you need to know, one way or another. From the most subtle muscle changes, if you know where to look, and how to place your hands, to clearer signs.

Lovemaking for the longevity of the affair or relationship, should be approached with a sensate focus and Tantric kind of mindset. It’s about building up a physical, sensual, foundation. Giving to your partner and allowing them to give to you, that isn’t just about an orgasm. Hell, yeah, don’t get me wrong, it’s important. But it’s the build up, the anticipation, the edging, the exquisitely subtle communication, that changes it from good (always remember to say thank you! I know I do.) to mind-blowing…. It’s about feeling her touch so finely tuned to your body’s needs, that you forget she cannot feel exactly what you feel with every touch, as each impending orgasm builds.

Briefly, (modified) sensate focus, is a technique couples use to try to reconnect with each other… WHEN SEX GOES WRONG. I first heard of it during LBC’s late night phone-ins, in the 80s. And it’s fascinated me ever since. Like why wait until something in a partnership breaks, before you use these sort of principles? Doesn’t it make sense to begin an intimate relationship like this? [This is especially important where women have previously experienced abuse or assault] OK maybe not for weeks on end with no genital contact. But even employed bite sized, for just an hour, the first time or first few times you *get it on* is a really useful exercise.

To agree e.g. no direct hand/mouth to genital contact. It takes the pressure off both of you. It forces you to get as close as you dare without breaking the rules. It slows you both down a little. The hornier you get, the more you talk and ask specific questions. What does she like, how, why ? It all helps teach you what she needs and when. Listen very carefully, tiny adjustments make a huge difference. What works at the start might not work after the third orgasm. And you might not reach the second at all if the first was great but too heavy-handed to allow for a second.

 She needs to know you will stick to the same pressure and speed and change nothing at all, if she tells you she’s close.

When two gay women make love, it’s naturally much closer to a Tantric approach, than with heterosexuals, since with women, it is usually more about turn taking. That lends itself to further exploration. Done right, it gives the opportunity to slow everything down. To really indulge each other. To embrace periods of stillness. And in turn sets the right sort of tempo for a variety of powerful multiple orgasms. There is really no need for anything to be rushed. Savour every moment.

Remember, men don’t keep changing positions just as a woman’s a minute or two from coming, to enhance her orgasm. It’s the technique they employ to stay hard and stop themselves from coming too soon. For God’s sake don’t do that if you’re a woman making love to another woman. Yes, your fingers might get cramp if your hand isn’t relaxed and supported on her body and you’re trying to move from the wrist, instead of the elbow or shoulder, but they won’t go soft. And neither will silicone. 😉

She needs to know you will stick to the same pressure and speed and spot and change nothing at all, if she tells you she’s close. An orgasm that builds very very slowly, is usually the best sort. And can only usually be achieved with the confidence in allowing it to build and build and build. Often with an unnerving stillness [we do that to maintain the precision we need]. Never feeling the need to grab at it, because you are quite close, but your lover keeps changing speed, pressure, position and you fear you’ll never get another chance.

Yes, of course there’s passion and moments of frenzied abandon, usually with the later, more heavily penetrative, orgasms. But you’ll take your lover further, for longer if that is not your default setting. Being that overbearing, hyperactive and OTT, I know best, style lover, leaves you nowhere to go in the orgasm stakes. If you’re sleeping with women, don’t be that lover.

So You Want To Kiss Girls – Let’s Get Down To Basics

Let’s Get Down To Basics

Research shows that a woman’s sexuality isn’t as fixed as a man’s. Sexual fluidity means a situational-dependent flexibility in a woman’s responses. Some women desire men or women, irrespective of their sexual orientation, depending on the circumstances. (ref Lisa Diamond – Sexual Fluidity – Understanding Women’s Love and Desire).  So women can find themselves experiencing real emotional and strongly erotic feelings towards other women, as life presents various challenges, changes and opportunities. Some have a fairly stable range of love and desire throughout life. While others experience a much wider spectrum in their fantasies, behaviour and attachments.

A study at NWU, took four groups. Gay men, straight men, lesbians, and heterosexual women. It measured their physiological and self reported gender differences in genital responses (increased blood flow as a mark of arousal) to same sex and other sex, visual stimuli. Women having sex with women, men with men, men with women and neutral videos.

The gay and straight men responded as expected. Gay men mostly responded physiologically and subjectively to videos of men. Straight men responded most strongly to women having sex with women. *sigh*. But the female subjects (gay and straight) responded differently. Their subjective arousal didn’t match their physiological arousal. Women on average had a similar physiological arousal level to ALL the videos. In other words, apart from a few lesbian and straight spikes, women’s arousal was nonspecific regardless of their self-reported sexual orientation.

People might think lesbian episodes are just a trendy, bucket list,  thing to do. But the truth is that, like it or not, women who have led conventionally *straight* lives, sometimes feel otherwise. It isn’t that unusual to hit your late 30s, 40s onwards and be aware of a growing curiosity. An erotic attraction to other women “… fuck, so now what …?”  Ignore it ? Suppress it ? Get blind drunk** and just go for it? Or embrace it. Maybe explore it, maybe not.

**[if you have to get drunk, then not only are you putting yourself in danger, but you have to question whether you are ready to be taking this step at all. In addition you are putting the other woman in a horrible situation, legally re consent. Any right minded lesbian would give you a very wide berth.]

But first, there’s an assumption that we lesbians are by nature:

1. a) Predatory

and

1. b) Flippers. That’s the lovely term for being a *straight* woman’s first female/female encounter. Proactively seeking them out. Rather than the other way round.

Of course there are some of both. But I don’t believe it’s the norm.

And anyhow, why?

Just like men’s obsession with virgins. Why ?

Is it a power trip or what?

Let’s get down to basics … if you as a gay/bi woman, are another straight/curious woman’s first full encounter… chances are, she’ll be nervous. Tense. Very tense. Unlikely to be very giving, other than in safe things that she’s already familiar with like kissing, cuddling.

God help you if she’s watched the bollocks that passes for lesbian p*rn on the net. Because if she has, she may be thinking it’s ok to penetrate you with an un-gloved full set of acrylics. It isn’t, EVER. Even latex gloves aren’t going to make that fun, or safe. Lesbians pride ourselves in being the lowest risk as far as HIV is concerned, at least the ones of us who don’t partake in risky behaviours. We aren’t going to be thrilled about having you lacerate us with your long nails. So just don’t do it. It’s so not cool.

Top tip: if a guy does something one way. A gay woman probably does it another way. Needs it another way. The glans of penis has 2000 sensory nerve endings. So that’s a guy’s reference calibration for how he might naturally touch himself and therefore his partners, unless he’s clued in enough to recalibrate. The glans of clitoris has 8000 nerve endings, crammed into a considerably smaller, visible area. So relative heavy handedness and a sober, drug free, pre-orgasmic clit, just doesn’t bode well for a nicely escalating, rolling multi-orgasmic marathon. Less really is more. At least in the beginning.

So for the gay/experienced bi woman, the first time with a (sorry, it’s for the sake of brief clarity) noob, it’s likely to be a very one sided few hours. That’s just fact. If you’re going to do this, then my view is, you should do it with love, care and the best of intentions. It takes two, but as the gay woman, I feel there’s more moral responsibility on your shoulders. Time invested now in the other woman is well worthwhile. Maybe not for you, long term, but for her own wellbeing. Over time obviously, if you continue seeing each other, things have the potential to develop and even out. But there can be long term issues. Such as what these girls expect but might not reciprocate. That’s another blog right there.  Remember, in the Buddhist sense of love and love-making. If we have sex because of overwhelming attachment and desire, it’s destructive. Having sex in order to show affection, help the other person to feel better, it’s constructive.

There’s a fair bit of lesbian etiquette you straight/bi girls need to suss, in order to be really embraced by us.

And yes, for many complex reasons, a lot of gay women, myself included, if asked about straights/bi women will initially say: “not interested – I won’t go there – I don’t touch them with a barge pole – not my thing – urgh …” etc.

But this sexual fluidity thing, is as true for me as it is for others. I’ve noticed a very definite, very recent, shift in my real life attractions and response towards straight looking women. Even actual straight women. And those of indeterminate sexuality. I blame Borgen’s Sidse Babett Knudsen for unlocking it … series 2. That scene when the PM Birgitte is at home. She’s just jumped out of the shower. White bath robe on and towel around her head. She’s unblocking the kitchen sink. Suddenly she hears her ex husband return with the kids. And realises he’s brought his new woman with him too. No time to get dressed, Birgitte does the best she can. Unwraps the towel. Her long, dark, wet, touselled hair, falls loose as she shakes it. And ….. Mesmerised, this jaded cliché, for the first time EVER, hits the spot for me. Kind of, an OMG, so that’s what the hair thing is all about. Ahaaaaa … now I see, seminal moment 😉

For now let’s just focus on the “I think I want to kiss a woman, maybe go further … now what ?” bit.

Get the kissing thing down, first.

Lesbians kiss. A. Lot.

And I mean that. I recall one lover. The first time we were together. We lay down and kissed, naked, for several blissful hours, before my gently, teasingly, caressing hand was suddenly trapped by her thighs… Now that’s the kind of subtle, “don’t you dare, make me wait any longer”, cue even I can read. Truth be told, I was teasing myself … will I, won’t I?

Yes, lesbians get performance anxiety too. And quite honestly for me, kissing is a very good delaying tactic !

Get the kissing thing down first, and you’ll be popular with gay women. Such a simple yet vital thing. We’ll deal with the other *down* thing, in another blog. Spoiler alert … they’re very closely related. So pay attention !

But don’t assume all girls know *how to kiss*.

Until 20yrs ago I hadn’t thought about it. Then a girl said to me, mid kiss: “O.M.G…you know how to kiss ! … So many girls don’t know how”. I had no idea others didn’t. They’d all been pretty similar. Or I was lucky. Or was she unlucky ? And then a few years ago, I met a girl. There was a platonic build up of a few months. And one day, she asked me for a massage. Happy to help a friend, I agreed. I just did my normal totally professional thing. Took my time. As she got off the table, she thanked me and said “been so long since I had that sort of touch. No one’s ever given me a massage like that before …”. When she left, again she said, “I don’t know what you’ve done, but I feel great, thank you, so much”. No hug, nothing. Still fully platonic.

Caveat emptor, honey

A day or so later, she was still feeling good. It seemed to have re-awoken something for her. Reminded her how powerful touch is. Except she was now ‘complaining’ that a side effect was she was feeling as horny as hell. Caveat emptor, honey. Apparently my suggestions for resolution were inadequate as in her words. It was “a damned good seeing to!” she needed. A few tentative, jokey texts were exchanged over a few days and somehow the FWB thing came up. A new thing to me but it suited me.

Due to lack of space in my current flat i.e. having to live like a (house-trained mature)student, and a multi-gym and massage table where a sofa should be, my ‘bed’ serves many purposes. Seating, relaxing and sleeping. In some circumstances that could be awkward but in others, a definite advantage. There’s no worry about where to sit, when to move closer.

So, there we were. (I think I my have even given her another massage, earlier.) On my bed, sharing a beer, having previously had the FWB conversation, music was on, Rihanna or Alicia Keys, I think… Lights were low. I had the distinct advantage of knowing she’s gay, she knew I was gay. We both knew we were attracted to each other. We’d spoken(texted) about it. All those potential unknowns had been cleared … Whether to take that risk… … to be the one to make the first move… to dare to touch, to kiss. So none of it got in the way of a beautifully sensual moment.

She leant back on the bed, to cuddle up beside me. Then very slowly, she moved her head up to kiss me, for the first time, as I felt her leg move carefully between mine, so that she was now above me. There’s something ultra sensual and very powerful about being kissed, while laying down, still fully clothed and with full body contact. To be able to be comfortable, relaxed. Totally in the moment. Un-distracted. To feel the gentle weight and warmth of the other person.

For me, it enhances the sensuality of the kiss. The tenderness. The intimacy. The anticipation. That all engulfing, whole body experience. Deeply satisfying, and comforting. Whether for some it remains as far as you go, which for many women experimenting with their sexuality it will be, or as a pre-cursor to further sexual activity. The kiss is so important.

I can’t emphasise enough, just how much difference it makes to get it right. Yet it’s so simple. Why do so many really mess it up ? Is it that they mimic men ? Or do they just not listen to the other’s body ?

Perhaps they used the [ How To Kiss A Girl,1911 ] poster as guidance.

Don’t even get me started on what’s wrong with it…

I’ve never kissed myself, obviously. Well, ok… yes, very occasionally, in a daydream I *might* just find myself with my index finger and thumb up to my lips. Imagining what it might be like to kiss some woman I might have been thinking about in order to write this. Busted ! But probably not something I’ll ever need to confess, in person. Phew !

Moving on …

So having never kissed myself, I can only describe what my thought process is when I kiss, and when I am kissed.

There’s a line in Elbow’s

One Day Like This :

 “Oh kiss me like a final meal.

Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight”.

As soon as I heard that line, I thought, yes ! That’s exactly what goes through my head, when I’m kissing a woman. That sense of there being no one else. Nothing else, in that moment. A complete and overwhelming sense of tenderness towards the woman I’m kissing.

Tenderness doesn’t lack passion. Passion can be conveyed without losing awareness of the other’s response. And that awareness is crucial. No matter how good you are at kissing, it’s impossible if the other lacks the ability to read the ebb and flow.

Good kissers, are gentle but not irritatingly light. They’re passionate and all engulfing, but still soft and relaxed. They yield when you kiss back. They kiss back when you yield. It’s a very simple, subtle dance. Neither dominates. Both are engaged, equally, but in turn in a constant cycle of giving and yielding. Think of the energy and rhythm of the tide lapping over a sandy beach, and you won’t go far wrong.

My experience of kissing or sleeping with straight experimenting, or even bi women, is very limited. Flipping is not in my skillset or a hobby. But recently I have reconsidered. Seriously. And the more I think about it, the more open I am to it. For a gay woman like me, that’s a big big shift.

But why now ? Maybe I’m experiencing that fluidity myself. The type of women I’m emotionally and physically attracted to has pretty much flipped on its head. I’m not the promiscuous type. I don’t mind having fairly long gaps between affairs/relationships. I’m non-scene and I certainly don’t relentlessly pursue women just for the hell of it.

So I have a lot of time and space to think about what I really feel. On online dating sites like Gaydargirls, which I’ve used and will again when I decide I next want to date. You get a list of boxes. Straight/bi, straight looking etc would always be boxes I’d ignore to exclude those types of women.  I just wasn’t interested. Not attracted at all, and the long nails … urgh ! I used to avoid bi / bi curious women because you’d never know where you were and chances are they’d always leave for a man or have affairs. There’d be no future in it. Heartbreak guaranteed.

But as I’ve spent more time on social networks just conversing with and being flirted with, by straight women, and some of indeterminate sexual identity, I guess they’ve broken down my resistance. Made ME curious. Some gay women , really hate that, but I love it. Especially when it’s done with class and intelligence.

The Borgen thing I joke about really was a revelation. It seems, although I’ve yet to put it into practice, I am more attracted to straighter looking women, than I ever was before. I can feel myself respond positively, emotionally, erotically to visual things that used to make me cringe.

And now that I am aware of this shift in myself, the sexual fluidity research has really helped make sense of it. Next time I decide to date, I will totally change the boxes I tick. Maybe, just maybe the essentially straight/bi women who are in, or usually in heterosexual relationships, but who recognise that they need same sex affairs, to be true to themselves, would suit where I am in my life.

So, if I do decide to date bi or curious *straight* women. Or if I ever find myself alone with a woman of indeterminate sexuality, with mutual flirtatious attraction and empathy, in a potentially erotically charged situation, how will I play it ?

How Do Hedgehogs Make Love ?

Some gay women would just throw caution to the wind and go for it. See what happens. Just for the thrill. After all, it’s what the straight/bi woman wants, right ? Or she wouldn’t be on Gaydar or blatantly flirting with an openly gay woman would she ? She’s playing. She knows what she wants. She wants YOU to make the first move. She expects you to make the first move. Yes, YOU! She’s used to scenes like this with men. She’s used to guys seeing how far they can go before she says, “No”. How much more obvious can she be ?

Now this is where we might have an issue of potential miscommunication. My default setting is to assume all flirtation is just that, even when the other party is a gay woman. She could literally be 1mm from my lips and straddling me, naked, and I would, truthfully, still opt to assume it was playful teasing unless and until she left me in no doubt whatsoever. I guess it’s a respectful, protective thing. I confess, delayed gratification is also rather fun 😉

And in the bi/straight/indeterminate, scenario, I’m predicting my default setting, on the first occasion, would be in hyper-drive. So unless the woman concerned, in words, specifically invited me to come closer, to hold her, kiss her, lay down with her, make love to her, I would hold back and appear reluctant. No matter how much my instinct was telling me otherwise.

It’s just how I am.

Maybe being safe is boring.

But I’d hope it was actually just what a woman exploring her sexual fluidity would need. Someone to treat the situation with respect and proceed … Very carefully.