Sexual Language, How Hard Can It Be? – How Would A Straight Girl Know How To Flirt With A Gay Girl?

Sexual language, how hard can it be ?

In the course of researching for a few other pieces, I started to get a little annoyed at the supposedly non-negotiable sexual edicts I was seeing. “Don’t say vagina or flowery words like Yoni (the Tantric word) you MUST say pussy”. Says a particular, supposedly woman empowering, American site. It’s all about using charged language apparently … “Pussy is just more charged, isn’t it? Going into charged territory is sexy. It increases sensation”

Yeah? Well as a gay woman when I hear another person talk to me about any “pussy” they’d better be talking about a four legged animal. So no, not in my piece, about that topic, we won’t be “celebrating” the word..  I don’t find it in the least bit sexy. Even then, even in a feline context for me it still grates and is not a word I ever use. Aside from here in this blog obviously. As a child of the 70s I was fed quite enough of Mrs Slocombe‘s pussy to last a lifetime.

I’m reminded of a recent bad reaction of mine to the word being used in a playful, flirtatious exchange with a friend. One whom I deeply respect and adore. Having just generally said words to the effect that I love flirtatious women. She’d immediately and very generously (bravely, for a straight girl) responded with an x-rated double entendre. Which was absolutely fine and very funny. But … in it was the P word.

And my reaction of a howling scream of Noooooooo, was to the word itself and not at all the imagery. It really grated, I got a sort of hetero porn flashback, and I just didn’t want her to feel she had to demean herself. She’s far classier than that. Which means, she really doesn’t even have to try. She just is naturally flirtatious, which is sexy. But I realise, I guess it’s how a guy might do it and anyway, how would a straight girl know how to flirt with a gay girl?  The answer is, … subtly, teasingly, playfully, classily. Despite being gay, I’m a woman first. And for the avoidance of any doubt, it’s just a random e.g. I picked out of the air. I’m not having a go at them at all. And they’re very unlikely to ever read this. FFS it’s a blog. Some weeks I’m short of inspiration. 😉

So back to that word …Pussy

To me it’s a particularly porn centric, objectifying, sleazy, hetero male word that I just cannot stand. Along with a whole list of others. And yet really I don’t have any major issue with mainstream porn itself. Truly, oddly even, I really don’t. Some of it, I actually quite like. With a few caveats, obviously. Ooooh, I feel another topic coming.

I just don’t want to hear the sort of language it uses. Or, moving on, for that matter. See the sort of contorted, pouty facial expressions depicted. Nor feel the stereotypical hetero-porn moves. I’m particularly thinking of the humiliating, rear entry arse slapping type behaviour. And yes, I do know what happens internally when one’s glutes are slapped. But … to quote Ecclesiastes:

“there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens….”

And for me, in that specific moment, that time, isn’t then.

 And as gorgeous as a lover might be, I certainly don’t want to open my eyes to see some doe-eyed woman sucking at my clit, staring up at me for approval.… Because my brain just switches into …*omg ..she thinks she’s in some sort of seedy porn flick …urgh just get out of my body and my bed….* sort of mode.

Yeah ok I get it. You can’t ask because you’ve got your mouth full. And you’re just trying to check I’m loving your work. And I applaud you, (with blessed relief, let me tell you) for having the breeding to not try to speak with your mouth full. But there are other ways to get feedback. Please please don’t stare at me while we’re having sex. I struggle enough with the fact we even have to be in the same room to have sex, to be honest. But that’s just me. Don’t make it any harder.

When I’m in congress, I want to feel safe, loved, protected, enjoyed, indulged, not like a performing seal or an X Factor panel judge. My hand gently on the back of your head, or reaching down holding your free hand and my focussed concentration should speak for itself. But I do admit to being particularly sensitive to inelegant language in all situations. That doesn’t mean I don’t swear. I have been known to have a bit of an online rant now and again.

But for me, a huge portion of flirtation, sexual attraction, and desire goes on intellectually. What you say, how you say it. The way you manage to play mental gymnastics as you seduce my brain, is what does it for me. Typical female Gemini in that respect. Seduced by your intellect and your language. [*blushes with the acknowledgment I’m going to be ribbed again for that reference.]

But it should be pretty obvious that with language, it’s all about context.

Here’s how it works … same words. Totally different meanings.Telling me in the cold light of day you want to f**k me. Or want me to f**k you … is quite aggressive and a real turn off, for me at least.

Pinning me to the bed, up against the wall,  straddling my leg, passionately kissing my lips, my neck and breathlessly whispering it into my ear … is a whole other thing. Furthermore, if we’re already in bed, and you say it, I will read that as like, now. If we’re in bed and technically ingressed. Is that a word ? It is now. Saying that phrase, I personally would mean: if you aren’t moving, now would be a good time to begin. And if you are already moving, it would mean… ramp it up a bit. And if I say it again, either ramp it up some more, or you were just not paying attention the first time. Obviously, if I just say , F*** you! .. I’m probably just not that into you. In any respect.

With the right person, some instructional graphic language, in the heat of the moment, can be very very sexy. So long as you have a sexy RP voice ! Look we all have our thing. Well-spoken women are my thing, ok ?

For me, pussy just does not work. It just never will. I really dislike the word, in every context. I refuse to use it. Although I might allude to it now and again. And I confess I did smile at a particularly cute and very sexy flirty cat postcard recently. It would have looked quite good here. But that’s an exception.

Hmmm, the other c word, yeah I use that, if I’m really really angry. But if a woman I knew well called me a c***, I’d take it as a jokey rebuke. God help any man who used it against me though. That’s taboo. But just don’t use it to me in ANY sexual sense. Again because it smacks of hetero, pouty bimbo porn. It’s a fragile thing sexuality and language.

My annoyance isn’t just restricted to the “you MUST say pussy” edict. There are a few others that particularly stand out for me, across various expansive sexual activities.

Edicts

A common sexual edict, is about lighting.

You must have bright lighting.

Another is about how the woman must have her eyes open, be propped up, staring down at her partner touching her. In bright lighting.

Yet another is about exposure. Full well lit, nakedness, whilst being stared at.

Personally, I find these particularly disturbing. It is always assumed that women don’t want bright lighting because of low self esteem or poor body image or shyness. They’re even gaslighted about it. Get over yourself. Get over your insecurities. Particular edicts that are often key parts of practices touted as helping women explore and expand their sexual experience. Or even to facilitate a healing process after rape or sexual abuse traumas.

Well I’ve news for you. It is precisely these edits that exclude the very women they claim to help heal. And indeed, adapted to her needs can help heal. But only if the woman herself is able to say so, or if her partner is aware enough to take executive action. It’s not at all about body image. Or shyness. It is about feeling safe. It’s about us, not you, being able to control the conditions we need in order to stay present. To be sexual. To keep the ghosts away. On these things there is no negotiation.

For me, with a partner, any stream of bright light, in my eye line or ambient light above a certain level and it almost paralyses me. It is cripplingly distracting. Disturbing, and I just don’t feel safe enough. And if I don’t feel safe, I can’t be present. And if I can’t be present, flashbacks can occur. Which is probably why I’m so aware of how these edicts must be excluding other women.

We may over time, take baby steps as we feel safer in ourselves and with you. Sex for women is largely in the brain before it’s anywhere else, so language really plays a huge part. Listen to what she says. She may be telling you more than you realise.

And really, in the heat of the moment … mid passion, do body parts even need a name ? They become you. If I’m kissing you and I say “ I want to taste you” .. you can be pretty damned sure, I don’t mean the back of your hand….

A Few Moves Every Girl, And Indeed Everyone Who Sleeps With Women, Should Know

There are a few moves that every girl, and indeed everyone who sleeps with women, should know. Over future blogs I will cover a few more in depth. But this one by far, when done well, is one of, if not, the best. So pay attention! An ideal one even for noobs to feel confident about giving and receiving.

Why do I say that ?

Well, in theory it should be fairly straightforward to do. Which makes it easier than oral sex. Which requires much more finesse. With the added advantage that it comes without any of the associated issues and often unjustified excuses that too many come up with initially and then get hung up on, over oral sex. Have no fear … although I have one or two points to make on that subject, I’ll spare you for a week or two 😉

Done properly and with a sufficiently slow build up and gentleness, this move can produce incredibly intense orgasms. And as it is mainly G-spot triggered and only partially clitoral, it is ideal for facilitating further orgasms. Whether face up orally, digitally, or with toys – handheld or otherwise. Yes, yes and yes …

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You will need:

One woman, preferably two.

Four or five clean towels.[two under body, one over either leg, one for the back and glutes]

Massage oil – almond or grape seed etc

[Don’t use baby oil or any mineral oil as it destroys latex in clothes, toys and condoms .. yes gay women use condoms.

Water based lube, preferably Liquid Silk, for the intimate section.

Short nails, otherwise you will need a latex glove. The multiboxes at Poundland are ideal.

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Special Note:

Bear in mind that this begins with some massage but progresses to intimate penetrative touch. Also especially if the woman has a straight / bi history … being put face down, she may assume / hope / fear that there may be some sort of anal activity planned.

Firstly that’s not the purpose of this exercise.

So she may be excited/relieved/disappointed. They may have been much more relaxed if they’d known the parameters in advance…

Relaxation leads to better orgasms for women…

Secondly *consent*. You cannot just assume that because someone is naked in front of you, that you can go ahead and do whatever you want. Even if you had such an *agreement*, you would have had to have had a conversation to that effect, with specific dos and don’ts.

Some people think you shouldn’t talk before or during sex. I disagree. For something passive like this, I would always briefly say what I plan to do. And regularly check as you go along. Personally, I think it can be very sexy to be told by a lover, what they would like to do. E.g. IF you might plan to use a toy (handheld or otherwise) later on, and this is an ideal scenario for that .. now’s a great time to ask how they’d feel about it.

Even if they say, “yes that sounds great”, please just before you do so, just quietly, ask again, if it’s still ok.

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Assume the position:

Receiver is face down –

Hips / abdomen preferably raised up on a rolled camping mat or specialist massage wedge. Failing that, a tightly rolled bath towel or pillow also rolled will do.

In the semi recovery position (one knee bent out to the side) the rolled towel/pillow/mat should be comfortably under the thigh. Running head to foot. So the hips are up and you can still reach around too.

Let the receiver choose which leg is bent. If they bend the leg on the penetrating hand side (this is the hand you’d normally use for clit stim e.g right). You would straddle their straight left leg as mentioned below. If they prefer to bend the other leg then your body will be in the space, instead of straddling, but will be able to reach around with your non dominant hand. The non dominant hand doesn’t need to do any clitoral touching. For the receiver, feeling the warmth and security of your lover’s arm reaching round, whilst their other hand is coming from behind, is truly wonderful …..

If using a wedge, the deep side  of the wedge is just above the hip bones, sloping down towards the head. Neither leg needs to be bent.

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How to do it Right

Giver-

Oil and lube and any toys for afterwards, within easy reach.

Ensure your partner is comfortable, has been to the loo and properly draped with towels. At least one towel underneath. One for each leg, and a bath towel for the back and glutes. Nothing kills passion like feeling chilly or simply just feeling too exposed. And in order for a woman to have good orgasms she needs to feel safe, secure and confident. The beauty of this position is as it’s face down, she will naturally feel comforted and secure. . So if she’s a little shy or nervous, she’ll feel much freer and less self conscious if and when she feels the urge to move her hips towards your hand than if she was on her back. Anatomically, the internal organs are exerting slightly different pressures and this too can add to the intensity of sensation. These little things make all the difference.

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Massage

Briefly, you only want a small 20-50p sized bit of oil in ONE hand. Rub them together so both palms are evenly covered. And evenly, firmly spread your hands all over the back, from the centre to the top to bottom and out to the sides. Ignore all the videos you see where you can see the oil. This is far far too much. If you can see the oil glistening on the skin you have gone over the top. And it feels awful.

Don’t do it. You also lose any grip with too much oil. You can’t pick up the muscles and move them about.

I could spend hours going into detail but if you are an amateur,

the simplest best advice I can give is:

Use your entire hand for maximum contact.

Use one hand to support the other.

Use your body weight not your strength, for pressure.

Pull AWAY from bony areas with your finger pads (whilst maintaining full contact), never towards bone.

CLOSE YOUR EYES – see with your hands.

And go as SLOWLY as you can. (closing eyes slows you down)

Slow firm loving touch feels great.

Light touch in massage is irritating and unsatisfying and conveys anxiety to the receiver.

Ask .. “is the pressure ok – lighter ? firmer ? slower ?”

Just imagine the muscles are dough. Move them around. Explore them.

Keep the area you aren’t working draped in towels.

Don’t forget the glutes.

AVOID the genitals for now.

Last of all, with a little more oil as before, do each leg, with your fingers enveloping as much of each as you can.

SLOWLY.

Do not trail your fingers around the sides, it is SO irritating.

Confident touch at all times.

Take your time….

Finish this section, with full hand strokes up each thigh and inner thigh right up to the groin.

Last of all using one hand on each inner thigh, simultaneously, SLOWLY, FIRMLY do both inner thighs together.

This is quite an arousing stroke. In preparation for the next phase.

Intimate phase

Wipe the oil from your hands, re-drape your partner.

Put their leg into the semi recovery position as described above.

Now using a little WATER BASED LUBE, continue with full hand groin strokes, but this time you can go a little higher. Cupping the entire vulva with your palm. Slow full handed, external strokes can feel amazing.

Take your time and check in with your partner, how it feels.

Straddle the back of the receiver’s thigh (not for your pleasure) so that your giving arm is correctly aligned with her body.

Make sure you can keep a Relaxed but firm straight thumb in line with middle finger before you even begin. [image]

Palm side, make sure the ring / middle / index fingers are tightly together, but the middle finger creates a slight valley between the index and ring. This is a crucial detail as the clitoral shaft will nestle in there, palm side.[image]

Remember, the G-Spot internally is more or less directly the other side of the clitoris. So the three fingers outside and the thumb inside, will form a sort of pincer alignment. When you are ready to penetrate with the thumb, you need to be really careful and open the gap between your thumb and fingers , so as not to jab her urethra. It’s better that your thumb enters her while the fingers are cupping the vulva, and the thumb is sliding from the perineum. Go really slowly. It can be a little disorienting.

The aim is to keep the external fingers, gently in place so that the clitoral shaft lies in the groove created by the middle finger, the index and ring therefore naturally sit alongside the shaft. And the thumb will be internally [careful how you enter]as deep as you can reach, with the pad of the thumb firmly but softly, massaging the G-spot and deeper (round and round / side to side ). In my opinion, side to side can be more effective the deeper you can reach. [image g spot alignment]

The external fingers DO NOT need to be moved at all in isolation. Keep them firmly but gently in place throughout as sufficient motion will naturally occur LATER because your shoulder and elbow will be driving the thrusting of the thumb.

You also want to be quite high up her body to one side, so that your free hand can either reach around, NOT to touch her clitoris but just to be on the pubic bone, or reaching up to caress her back, especially below the neck, between the shoulder blades. Nice and firmly, whole hand. Maximum contact. The motion of the pad of the thumb, early on, comes from the base of thumb and very gently motion from the shoulder. Always keeping the thumb in alignment with the external middle finger, so if both outside, they would be pad to pad. When your free hand isn’t reaching round or touching her back, you can use it to stay *in touch* with the receiver, by holding her hand. Such a simple thing that people forget to do, but it gives you so much feedback.

Later on, when the motion increases, [by HER body telling you -not you deciding] it DOES NOT come from the wrist as you wouldn’t be able to sustain it very long and the receiver will sense the fatigue. She needs to FEEL secure in the notion that you CAN and WILL keep doing what you are doing for AS LONG AS SHE WANTS.  As with all new positions, don’t be disheartened if she doesn’t come the first time. Women sometimes take a few tries to *learn* how to have an orgasm in an unfamiliar position. Taking your time, giving her extended pleasure and communicating, are key.

If you get this far, you should have sussed what you’re trying to do by now …

After some recovery snuggling against her back and kissing her neck, (which you can do during this as well)  .. without her needing to change position, this could be the perfect prelude to a little playing with toys.

Top tip: women often like quite deep penetration after this …..

if you are using the Feeldoe, you’ll get max effect and because of the angle, in this position it’ll be more on her rear wall, possibly the Posterior Deep Spot. If using something other than a Feeldoe, you can of course turn it to face which ever direction she wants, if she wants more on the top wall but deeper than your thumb could reach. This would be the AFE/deep spot. [Yes incoming blog !]

Remember in anatomy, everything relates to the body itself. Anterior is towards the front of the body. Posterior is towards the back of the body. Lateral is to either side. Medial is towards the centre line.

Bet you wish you’d put that harness on and had that conversation before you started ….

You won’t forget next time, will you ?

Just dawned on me that if any future lovers ever read these blogs … there won’t be many surprises. And no pressure on me, at all I also apologise for ‘model’s own’ hands. They are actually quite small in reality, but odd angles to take the shots distort the degree of muscularity from 20yrs of massage.

PS: there is a way of reproducing something similar to this on one’s own but I suggest you ask me as I don’t think I can blog about it.

Unofficial Insider Survival Guide to Eastbourne Tennis

Unofficial Insider Survival Guide to Eastbourne Tennis

Picnics and Etiquette

Eastbourne Tennis is the ideal place to have a picnic with a friend, in your seat or in the grounds, you’ll always find a spot. But be warned some are simple, some are for posing & some are downright offensive.

Do think ahead…….plan ahead.

Avoid foods that are noisy to eat or unwrap.
(ie apples/celery unless precut~stick to bite sized, no crisps unless in quiet bags or decanted.)

Avoid foods that sound as if you are having oral sex.
(ie cherry toms fine, full size toms no! But close your mouth when munching the tomato as it is not cool to share your seedy ejaculate with the rows below you)

Avoid foods that smell strong.
(NO Eggs/fish …especially avoid fish if eating oversized tomatoes, the fishy smell combined with oral sex sounds …don’t be surprised if the dyke behind you throws up down the back of your neck as you provoke awful memories of a one night stand she’d rather forget.)

Avoid foods that are amusing to photograph …..
We photographers don’t eat on the hoof, our equipment is too valuable for grease & you lot are too good a subject to miss~I recall the old boy who had his salad & sarnies in a sensible ziplock but sitting there, hands in the bag sprinkling the bits he looked like as if he was assembling a spliff. Deep throating a banana is not a good look for you. Caressing the MrWhippy ice cream with your tongue may give more away about you than your appetite for ice cream)

2007 Banana Interview

Pre-plan your eating & disposal.
Much better hand a little picnic box to your companion than trying to open ten containers or juggling them under the seat…all that head bobbing, from a few rows back may look very different and be harder to explain…the camera NEVER lies…does it.

Be classy , be English rather than Ingerlish.
An individual 1/3rd sized bottle of red is classy as it proves you are practical.
A thermos of tea (with separate milk in a jar) is quaint.
Though the tea from the kiosk is excellent if you allow the bag to brew & can juggle the stirrer, lid, & tea.
Tea on a hot day ??
Yes drink hot tea. It’ll keep you cooler.
Women need their internal core body temperature to be a degree higher than a man does before a woman starts to sweat. Sweat on the skin is essential to allow you to cool, as it’s the moving air & evaporation that will cool you. Again the long sleeved, loose shirt will help.
Bedouin in the desert drink tea & coffee over & above cool drinks.

A few more Bedouin tips for comfort….

You will be both extremely hot & extremely cold during the average day at the tennis. Regardless of where you sit or plan to sit, I would strongly advise, loose clothing, layers & LONG SLEEVES.

All the sun tan cream in the world is not as effective against the sun as being able to roll down your sleeves loosely. So air can flow & help keep you cool. (though thin light cottons will be less effective than darker ones.) Sleeves also protect you from the shade/wind allowing extra time before you need to add a loose jacket. If visiting on Ladies Day, beware the bottle of Almond liquid though it smells like lotion was in fact Fabric Softener.

You may sweat a bit so avoid colours that go darker when wet. Remember if you wear white & it’s sunny, the glare from your own clothes can be uncomfortable. And you’ll look stupid if you spill a glass of red or a coffee down you. Think ahead.

Regardless of the weather bring a telescopic brolly. They give shelter from sun, wind & rain & provide a little privacy. Also a small fleece blanket (very light & compact)/picnic blanket can be ideal as a territory marker, a source of warmth when cold & windy & as a way to hold hands with your partner unobserved.

(originally published by me in 2009)

Better Longer Lasting Orgasms – Putting Tantric Tips Into Use – Part Two

Tips for practical application

The rituals in part one encourage you to only use your own hand. And to remove your hand when you get too close to going ‘over the edge’. I’d definitely go along with that when you are first learning the techniques and building confidence to trust yourself to recognise the signs. And learn just how close you can go.

However, later on, alone, it can be annoyingly disruptive, jarring and unnecessary to totally withdraw your touch, as you become better at it. In fact the whole idea of control in prolonged orgasms is to reduce stimulation just enough to not tip over the edge, but continue the stimulation at a slightly reduced level. Right now you might think this is a big ask but once you get it, it’s easy. As simple as totally relaxing your glutes, thighs, back, abs, vaginal muscles and just being still.

Thing is, using your hand whilst your body is teetering so close, can be a little like patting your head and rubbing ….well you know. Neither quite one thing or the other. When what we need is total focus and control.

When you read elsewhere about prolonged, edging orgasms, they’ll usually say “use your hand, don’t use a vibe. A vibe’s too intense”. But they don’t have the benefit of the conditioning exercises that you will have. And the control that goes with it.

I would say, once you have the basic, Tantric inspired control techniques down, and have done them over a few nights, a vibe, the right vibe, can be perfect, for the following reasons:

 

-Disconnect between hand and body aids focus

          -Nearing orgasm, the hands will often involuntarily contract, right when                 you need total focus to be able to stop.

          -A vibe with good batteries is consistently reliable.

          -A Rabbit’s ears add millimetre precision to the consistency.

          -Variable speed (if just two, use the lower).

          -Easy on/off if required.

          -Used early on in stimulation, penetration can delay orgasm. A Rabbit  does both. The shaft delays whilst the ears focus the stimulation in exactly the right spot. By right spot I mean the spot that is intensely pleasurable      when you contract your glutes, thighs, back, abs and vaginal muscles, but   which isn’t too much when you totally relax but continue with the   stimulation.

Initially, when you first try this you will need to switch it off, which is preferable to removal. This needs a little pre-planning. Know how/where, with one touch, and minimal movement. Practise just doing that before you
try for this purpose. If buying a new Rabbit style vibe, most sites like ShWomenstore

this is the Sh Ultimate Rabbit Thruster

will have a close up of the controls. I’d suggest something that has a clear on/off button. They come in all sorts of varieties now. Ranging mainly from £20 up to around £45. The thrusting, waterproof ones being at the higher end, but well worth the ££ whichever end of the range you venture. But for now the only function you need is low speed vibe on/off.

 

If you’re not familiar with the famous Rabbits, you might assume two things:

1 the ears go either side of the clit.

2 the shaft is always held midline

Many women find they have a preferred side for stimulation. That is, some might prefer to be manually touched one side over the other. Quite often the left, on account of the majority of the population being right-handed, I guess. Although amongst the gay (m&f) community it rises from 15% left-handedness to some 45%. It isn’t that unusual for the preferred manual side, to be reversed if using a vibe. And it makes sense too in sensitivity terms. To keep one side for one type and the other for another. So if using a vibe later on when practising, maybe use the opposite side from the one you’d use manually. This will really help with control and prolonging stimulation without going over the edge. It’ll also help when with a partner manually as the other side, will be sensitive to their touch.

So the ears on Rabbits, somewhat like the real thing, are actually quite soft and pliable. Placing them either side can be quite a hit but probably not what you need for this. Instead, maybe try putting both on one side, but laying it to the opposite side. ie ears on the right, hold it with the left. Hand and arm resting on groin to minimise movement. Minimise fatigue. Maximise consistency.

Why not hold it in the middle? Good question. Simple answer. If your body moves, as it invariably will, the Rabbit ears will remain fairly constant by holding it this way. And the shaft will be fine at an angle as its main purpose for this is a mix of fullness and delay. But be sure in the early attempts, to have your thumb or finger over the on/off button from the start. Because you really don’t need it to suddenly whir into thrusting, stirring, hi speed rippling or whatever your model does. For these purposes, you need simple, predictable, consistency.

To recap:

-good batteries

-consistent approach

-position so arm/hand is resting on body so there’s minimal movement of Rabbit occurs when switching on/off

-know how to switch on/off without fumbling!

-Comfortable position with knees supported by pillows to allow relaxation with minimal re-positioning when in RELAX mode

-Choose a Rabbit with a simple on/off (having to scroll bells/whistles to on/off each time would be contrary to requirements

-LUBE external. The Rabbit ears vibrate. That is the move back and forth in micro-movements. This will cause soreness over long periods if not sufficiently lubed.

-No warm up required especially if you’ve run through the part one rituals.

-Nocturnal orgasm may occur if you do this before sleeping as your body is getting used to staying aroused for long periods

For the purposes of this stage – *stimulation* might take two forms ..

Either turning the vibe from off/on/off (as you do so) you’ll feel the muscles tense in response, cycling this off/on/off is useful to really tune into the difference between RELAXED and not.

Or later as you get more proficient and confident.

Continuous vibe stimulation (hence a low setting and lube), but the very act of being still, RELAXING and NOT allowing the back/legs/glutes/vag/abs to contract is enough to back off from the orgasm. When you are confident in being able to do this without triggering orgasm, merely contracting any of those muscles will quickly take you back to a heightened state of arousal close to orgasm. That’ll be simply all it takes.

This is why a Rabbit works so well for this. It’s precise, can be positioned to millimetre perfection, doesn’t get cramp and is consistent every time. Allowing you to reproduce the effect over and over. And therefore get better results.

Whatever approach you use, and some are easier as a novice. Instead of going for a first orgasm as soon you peak, this is different. Each time you back off from going over the edge (ie NOT going into orgasm) – it’s really important to pay attention to the absolute stillness. Lay there. Motionless.. Concentrate on what is happening. Every twitch. Every breath. FOCUS. Make sure every muscle IS relaxed. Impossible if you are reaching too far to hold the vibe in place or if the knees and back are not fully supported.

The absolute stillness is when you will notice the involuntary pulses begin. After maybe the second or third time you totally back off, 15-20 seconds into the RELAXED stillness (ie NO tension in back/legs/abs/vag/glutes) you may feel a small pre-orgasmic contraction. Let it pass. Don’t resume stimulation (if vibe is off or DON’T allow back/legs/abs/vag/glutes to tense up if the vibe is on in continuous mode) until it has.

With the continued stimulation method – vibe exactly where it is, don’t change anything -the simple act of totally relaxing your muscles (hence using Relax Relax Relax as your words) really IS enough to delay orgasm.

And simply tensing up your glutes/back/abs/vag/legs ..all the while retaining the feet to feet, sole to sole position, will be enough to be right on the edge again. Once you’ve built the confidence to do this, you may be surprised how close you can repeatedly get and yet still go over the edge, when you choose, triggering more satisfying, deeper, orgasms.

And because you are used to maintaining this level of arousal, you won’t experience the usual complete crash. You may find you are ready to continue if you wish, sooner than before. Or save it for an hour or so, knowing you can easily resume.

The point is, when you do RELAX and really pay attention to how it feels. You will notice the involuntary vaginal contractions, will initially be single ones, then maybe twos or threes, after this point, if you continue without sufficient stillness time to revert to single/doubles, the next time will most probably be four or five and then the point of no return is pretty imminent if unavoidable.

Though you can try your blackboard techniques.So it really pays to focus in the moments of relaxed stillness…

The more you practise the Tantric inspired methods, the easier it gets and the harder it’ll be to NOT do so. In fact in the initial weeks of practise, you might think you’ve forgotten how to have a quick orgasms because you are now so used to prolonging and expanding them. Then as time goes on you may well find you prefer to repeatedly edge than tip over at the first opportunity.

What now …?

Begin by trying a few of these after you’ve mastered the basics from Part One …

Perhaps go through the final ritual first…then, laying in the familiar position, sole to sole, heel to heel. Knees comfortably bent and spread, supported on pillows to avoid cramp and to ensure you can totally relax the legs/glutes/abs when required. Remember, always use lube on and around the clit. It will improve the sensation hugely and allow you to continue for longer without soreness.

1) Using the vibe on low, ears vibrating only. Get yourself very close to orgasm six times before allowing yourself to go over the edge. Take your time. Make sure you use lube. A decent one like Liquid Silk. Avoid silicone lubes and oils and gels. Remember to use the techniques you learned earlier. Telling yourself RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, every time you get close to orgasm, and making sure ALL your muscles relax. Learn to perfect doing this before you try another way.

2) Set timer for 15mins stimulation. Stop/start as required until full time before allowing yourself to tip over the edge.

3) Set timer 3mins continuous stimulation, backing off by simply RELAXING each time you are close. Repeat 5x

4) For fun, when you feel like it…throw a dice and stop yourself x many times before allowing yourself

——————————–

A Word of Warning

If you are learning alone, particularly if you aren’t will a partner at the time – it’s probably wise when next with a new partner to warn them.

Why? Because some lovers can be fairly possessive and precious over ownership of their lover’s orgasms. In that they act as if they are theirs to bestow upon you.

So if as they see it, they are working to “make it happen” see earlier blog Stop Trying To Make Her… – they may feel a little confused if you appear to be holding back /even withholding. As if you are somehow trying to make them fail. Bear in mind if they’ve recently come out of a relationship where sex was an issue or it broke down…your apparent reluctance or resistance to their efforts, might press their buttons and hurt their feelings IF they don’t know what you are doing.

Rather than assuming it’ll be fine and then having to retrieve a row, far better to be upfront and explain from the start.

Something like …”just so you know, when I’m close to orgasm, I like to back off a few times. It makes it last longer and makes each orgasm much more intense”.

Enjoy! And if you find it useful…share it around.

Better longer lasting orgasms – Tantric Tips – Part one

Of Tantra: “you must perceive what you are through knowing yourself and your pleasures;  for  only  then  can  you  give  the  pleasure  you  seek  and  accept  the pleasure given to you.”

Yeah I know, I’m sure most of us have heard of extended, prolonged, multiples and edging. Quite likely we’ve even had a go at trying a few tips from articles in women’s magazines. Sometimes with success. But quite often due to the nature of magazines, the content being scant and the information lacking depth, it’s all a little bit vague. So the difference can be a bit meh. And often we don’t bother. Instead of researching further and sticking at it. We just return to what we know and miss that opportunity to expand our experience in terms of quality.

Basically anyhow, it all pretty much boils down to “just back off and repeat” doesn’t it? Well yes that is key ….but there’s a little more to it all than that IF you really want to learn how. And when you do learn how, it’ll become easier to do, than not. Magazine articles generally don’t give you the tools to condition yourself to make it easy.

Although essentially (re-)training yourself to focus on relaxing at exactly the right moment – that really is how to make it work. Never lose sight of that tip. Those wanting a thorough, more spiritual Tantric training, with all the history and authentic ritual thrown in, should probably go straight to the brilliant website and work through the Female Alone Rituals. Even if you later involve a partner.

http://www.sexinformations.com/supernatural-sex/female-rituals-awakening.html

Those who want to learn but prefer a pared down version, of the essentials, with tips, read on. You should however refer to the site for more detail any time you are unsure.

But before you do, here’s where we women, gay and straight alike, are too often our own worst enemy. You hear many say “my libido’s low. I’m rarely in the mood. If I’m not with a partner I don’t really bother …” as if women are programmed by some comparison with a male erection that they should FEEL horny, have some visible sign, before they even consider having sex.

Yes that happens. But guess what, if you don’t use those muscles, those lubricating glands, those nerve endings, if you don’t engorge those tissues, they kind of just sit there. It happen less often. Hydration is another issue often overlooked.

Women out and about, may from habit try to limit their fluid intake and their need for a public loo. So few of them, if you can find one at all, are pleasant. Maybe we drink coffee, but not enough water and then that dehydrates us further. As does alcohol. Add in hormone fluctuations and you aren’t really helping your body get aroused even if it wanted to. And so we notice it less. We tune out, instead of tuning in.

However, women luckily only need a willingness to have sex, to have sex. And the more you do, the more the desire will be there. To sit and wait patiently for that little pulsing twitch of arousal before engaging alone or with a partner, is a self-fulfilling prophesy. You’re probably so distracted elsewhere anyhow, that you’ll miss it.

Time to tune in, take back control and make it part of your daily well-being routine.

To be clear, the site would expect you to do one exercise per night. The clue is in the way they’ve called it Seven nights of the Tantra, but if you make sufficient alone time, you can get through the stages comfortably in 2-3 nights. But you must be focused and undisturbed. The exercises themselves will relax you. You’ll sleep well afterwards as they are a lovely calming prelude.

The stages begin with awareness, move onto focusing and finally control rituals. Each skill set building upon the one before. Which is why you should definitely do them in order, even if you do so over a shorter time-frame. And that is where the difference really kicks in. Doing it this way gives you the tools, the conditioning, to layer one method of focus over another.

But after that, for maximum benefit, it is crucial to practise what you’ve learned, regularly. The more often you do so, the more second nature it becomes. The better you get at it and the more prolonged and expansive your pleasure can be. With or without a partner. But in order to train a partner how it works for you, it will help communication hugely if you know already, exactly how to do it alone. And even jointly with a partner, you would each do the stages alone before coming back together. A little aside here, the way women make love together is more oriented towards a turn-taking approach than heteros often are, and so Tantric type activities are an easy aspect to introduce to a partnership.

So there are two words that can be a little confusing, but crucial to know the difference. Mantra and Yantra. Don’t panic. Simply they are shorthand ways of tapping into the conditioning, to help you to distract yourself from impending orgasm – enabling you to get closer and closer each time and stay there as long as you wish without going over the edge. But still go over the edge when you want to. Oh and you know that loose die (I mean the cubic thing that if you hadn’t lost its soul mate would be in a board game for next Christmas) you have in your desk drawer … you might want to move it to the bedside table. After this, it’ll get more use there.

 

Mantra and Yantra.

A Mantra is just a phrase of sounds without meaning. Strictly, the site being true to its origin, rightly uses very specific ones for each stage.

Omm Adhi Ommm              (awakening/awareness)

Pahhh Dahhh O-mahmmm   (control)

But us Westerners being a little coy, even though the mantras can be said silently, might find even those a little awkward. So I have a little tip… if when instructed to “repeat the Mantra 2x” you say nothing else but a short string of numbers or colours or even part of the tonal scale it’s fine… But I’d advise that for the control one simply get into the habit of saying “Relax, Relax, Relax” Begin by saying it so you can hear it yourself. It’ll help later on. It’s all you need.

Word of warning…I remember a lover making reassuring Shh, shh shh sounds to me which was erm…reassuring. Just a little disconcerting when I watched her in her day-job as a canine hydro-therapist and heard her saying exactly the same sounds to calm the swimming dogs.

[The tonal scale as it happens is thanks to Brother Guido d’Arezzo who wanted a way to preserve and annotate ancient music. Instead of inventing random sounds, he used “Ut Queant Laxis,” a well-known vespers hymn of the Middle Ages. Each line of the hymn began one note higher than the one before. He use the first letters of each word of each line: UT queant laxis, REsonare fibris: MIre gestorum , FAmuli tuorum: SOLve, etc. “Ut” was changed to “Do” to simplify its pronunciation] http://mentalfloss.com/article/53280/why-are-notes-tonal-scale-called-do-re-mi

A Yantra is simply an image you call to mind. For the purposes of these exercises, at times it’ll be of yourself. Usually laying on the bed. Naked, knees bent. Feet sole to sole. At other times it’ll be the blackness of a chalkboard

onto which in your mind, you will write a short phrase or word. Whatever spiritual spin you want to put on this, in physiological and psychological terms all you are doing is conditioning your brain to immediately focus on what you want it to, in order to delay orgasm and allow yourself to remain as close as you wish, for as long as you wish.

Most of us know if we are very still, and really focus on our body, that as arousal grows, the second we feel orgasm approach, we tend to grab at it there and then. Tensing up glutes, quads, abs triggering it. We have taught ourselves that from that first vaginal involuntary muscle twitch, it’s close. With some partners, especially new ones or the slightly heavy handed or erratic ones, we fear, if we don’t NOW, we may not get another chance. And so to avoid frustration we just go for it. Almost to *get one in the bag*. Teaching yourself these control techniques will free you a little from that. They’ll give you the confidence to ride the crest of the pleasure wave a little longer. Confident that you won’t lose it.

Going through these stages one at a time will help you really embed the skills, in a way unlike any brief magazine article ever has.

Why say Relax?

Those familiar with the 80’s might be a little confused as it’s kind of opposite to what the lyric promises. So forget that song for now. And concentrate. You’ll find the word Relax connects immediately. You know instantly what it means – as will any partner you later want to share this with. Whether they are the giver or receiver. And it’s enough to trigger you to release the tension in your abs, glutes, legs, and groin. As soon as you release all those muscles, imminent orgasm, subsides. [Ideally a partner, male or female, should do the phases alone also until it’s second nature for them too] Simply by focusing sufficiently on exactly what is happening, which requires stillness and concentration, you will be able to increase the height of your pleasure and expand the length of time you are able to stay there, without tipping over the edge, until YOU decide you want to.

So here’s an abridged flavour of the Awakening Ritual.

It involves watching yourself touch and caress, various body parts in turn. Internalising the sensation and the image. There will be many women who feel right now, there is no way on earth they could ever do this. This way. So instead, I advise you to adapt it to your comfort zone. Clothed or unclothed. No mirror, do so.

If you prefer, lay down. That’s how you’d do the next stage anyhow. On a bed – knees bent, supported on pillows, sole to sole. I’m sure many will feel they already have a good enough imagination to visualise it. And it would be a shame to allow some edict to alienate you from exploring this. Do what feels okay for you, now. Where you are in your own being. Adapt. Purists can do their thing, you do yours. And do not coerce a partner out of their comfort zone, later. If they want low lights. To be draped, listen.

This is what I meant in an earlier blog about Tantric things in particular, often being so rigid and proscriptive that it can alienate the very women who might benefit most with the calm slow loving application of their teachings. So I say, don’t be put off. Simply recognise what it is they are trying to do. Be true to their ways, where you feel you can, but where you need to, for whatever reason, adapt them to suit your own needs. Your own physicality and psychology.

————————————–

Awakening Ritual

Have a bath, shower. Turn off all distractions.

Standing naked, in front of a full length mirror.

Concentrate on what you see and the sensations you feel.

There are three stages to this ritual.

 

Stage one

Firstly, in turn your index fingers very slowly trace the lips of your mouth as you concentrate on the sensations whilst watching the reflection of yourself doing this. Watching is so that you can visualise this later. The reflection you see now, will be the Yantra, you call to mind later. Take your time at every step. Slow. Sensual.

Next, your left hand slowly moves down from your lips to cup your right breast, as you sensually take time to explore it, moving on to feel the texture of the areola. Then rolling the nipple between your thumb and index finger. At this point you say your chosen Mantra twice. Your left hand returns to your side. As your right hand now moves from your lips, down to slowly repeat the same for your left breast.

After which both hands return to your abdomen, just below the navel as you say the Mantra once. All the time watching yourself do this.

Now your hands part slightly, and both slowly palms flat, fingers relaxed, trace down towards your pubic area. Concentrating on the softness, the warmth, the sensation as your hands come to rest on the vulva. Pressing firmly enough on the outer labia that you can feel the warmth from your hands, as you twice repeat the Mantra. [Note the timing of saying the Mantra twice is at moments of heightened sensation]

That concludes stage one.

Stage two

Repeat everything, exactly as you just did, the only difference being with your eyes closed, the image or Yantra of yourself in mind. And crucially, feel the touch as if it is by the hands of another.

Stage three

Is again with your eyes closed. Yantra in mind. This time, they are your hands, touching the body of another.

It is advised you repeat these twice a day, including first thing in the morning. This forms the basis of all the following rituals, most importantly Focusing and Control…so do them until they are second nature. Having a list nearby the first time might be ok but after that …not so much.

——————————————-

Yantric Body

This is another exercise where you envisage the vaginal muscles. And contract and relax to aid muscle focus. Pretty much like Kegels but without the tedium. In fact I mentioned this in the last blog, in the part about stillness at the start of penetration.

——————————————-

Focusing Ritual

 Note the One Hour Rule is used here… basically NO orgasm for a full hour before or after this exercise. It’s not punishment, it’s to help maintain high arousal for an expanded timeframe but also to stop you cutting corners whilst you are bedding in your techniques. Think of it as suspense. Delayed gratification. It’s worth it.

You will need to do the Focusing ritual for 2-3 nights before moving onto the stage after this.

Begin…

Laying naked on the bed. Knees bent, supported on pillows, feet sole to sole, heel to heel. They’ll say it’s about energy but helpfully it partly disengages the glutes making it more easy to relax into arousal, without triggering orgasm because you have added awareness of tensing your muscles. You may find having a rolled duvet or pillows under your shoulders might help a little with reach later on. Be comfortable, so that any actions you are required to carry out  can be achieved in a relaxed state.

 As before (in brief – remembering the Mantras at each stage)

Fingers to lips

Left hand to right breast (Mx2)

Left hand left side

Right hand left breast (Mx2)

Hands to navel (Mx1)

Hands to vulva (Mx2)

With this addition…When hands are either side of the vulva, move the palms inwards together. Using the thumb of each hand, spread the outer labia and lay the tips of your index finger either side of your clitoral shaft.

Practically the thumbs need to be above (cephalic) and either side of the clitoris. At 11 and 1 positions otherwise your index fingers won’t be in the right place. They also talk about the thumb and index crossing and it’s very unclear but what they mean is… hook your left thumb deep under the left outer flesh that surrounds the clitoris, so that the left thumb is going towards the left little finger.

If you get that bit right, and you hook your thumbs in high enough, your index fingers will naturally “cross” the thumbs as each reaches towards the clit shaft. In that as each thumb is now pointing towards the little finger of its own hand, the index finger is moving towards the centre line of the body. Now making it anatomically possible to lay each index finger pointing feet-wards, either side of the clit.

At this point, if you have managed that without being double jointed or getting your hands in a knot …well done.

Gently press on your clitoral shaft as a reward!

Now repeat from lips etc, with your eyes closed. Keeping the Yantra (image of yourself being touched by another) at all times.

Then repeat again, with the Yantra of you, but with the sensation of your hands touching another.

For best results, stick with this a few nights before adding in refinements of the next stage. Remember, no orgasm until an hour after you finish the ritual.

 

—————————————-

Intensifying Focus

 This is exactly the same as the previous Focusing Ritual so I won’t repeat, but hyped up a little with these additions when you reach the thumb/index fingers clit pressing stage.

From thumbs spreading labia and index fingers pressing clit, release the thumbs and allow the index fingers to slowly sensually slide down to the vulva (Mx2) then beyond the introitus, to the perineum (Mx2). Hands to vulva (Mx2). Thumbs to labia, index fingers to clitoral shaft (M2x). Hands to vulva. (M2x) Hands to abdomen.

[Some might wish to add in the anus at this stage, in the same manner as the perineum. But make sure everywhere is clean as bacteria transferred back to vagina or urethra can cause issues. Feel free to omit if you prefer.]

Repeat twice, once eyes closed as if being touched by another. Then again, as if you are touching someone else.

Lips>Breasts>Abdomen>Vulva>Clit>Vulva>Perineum>Vulva>Clit>Vulva>Abdomen

 

——————————————

Control of Pleasure

“you must learn to control the senses of pleasure..”

Control Mantra:

Pahhh, Dahhh. O­mahmmm

or Relax, Relax, Relax!

Now it gets interesting… and IF you have spent time over the last few nights on the Awareness Mantras and Yantras, this bit should be fun, but remember, it’s only just the beginning of what you are building towards. Longer lasting, expanded, controlled orgasms.

Exactly as before. On your back. Knees bent and supported. Heels to heels, sole to sole. Begin with the focusing and intensifying focus rituals. All the time remembering when to use the Awareness Mantras and the Yantra image.

At the stage where the thumbs spread the labia wide apart and the index fingers lie feet-ward gently pressing alongside the clitoral shaft, you really need to focus.

Allow your right index finger to slowly massage the clitoris as your left index finger traces the rest of the vulva. All the time keeping the image in your head of exactly what is being done. Really focus your mind on the specific body part being touched.

All the while maintaining the knees bent, feet to feet position, continue very slowly, sensuously with whatever feels good.

As soon as you feel on the verge of orgasm, immediately say the control mantra, ie Relax, relax, relax…and remove your hands and rest them on your abdomen. Now instead of picturing yourself touching yourself, switch it to a blackboard, and in your mind write your control Mantra ie Relax, relax, relax on the board.

Here’s the hard bit …

The ONE-HOUR RULE applies, orgasms are banned for ONE HOUR until after the ritual is complete. So get up, distract yourself, maybe set your alarm…after the hour passes, you can come any way you like, no rules.

The more often you employ the Control Ritual, the more rigidly you stick to it, the easier it gets. The closer and closer you can get to orgasm as many times as you like.

That’s where later on the dice comes in … “how many times shall I force myself to wait before allowing myself …”

When you try this ritual, if you want to repeat it, in subsequent sessions, be sure to let all the muscles, of glutes, groin, thighs and abdomen completely relax, and the energy subside before you resume.

Remember for the full, spiritual experience, read more on the brilliant site I mentioned earlier in the piece. My piece is purely meant as an intro. With enough depth to get you started, hopefully with some success.

Part two ..still to come

How To Harness Your Inner Lesbian ~ Hands-Free

 

How To Harness Your Inner Lesbian
~ Hands-free

Now look, before we go any further, let’s get something straight. It’s always best not to make assumptions about gay women. Just like gay men, we don’t all do things that people might assume we do. Neither do we necessarily not do things you might assume we don’t. Nor do we do or not do things, for the reasons you might suppose. Got it?

Basically, there are no set rules or assumptions to be made about which gay women do, or don’t do, certain things. Nor inferences to be made about relationship dynamics. These days, thank goodness, things are pretty fluid. With the exception of a few niche women at the extremes, in fixed dynamics, the majority of us are usually somewhere in the middle and somewhat versatile.

Whispers … that means chances are in a partnership, when it comes to various activities we probably both give and receive. It’s not quite like it is in the old movies.

How much, really depends upon whom you are with at any time. With some lovers it might be a little more, with others a little less than 50/50. It’s usually wise to start at that point. It allows for two people to discover themselves, as well as each other. Start too far in either direction and some might find themselves unable to flourish and grow in self-discovery unless they leave that particular relationship.

It’s not always been like that. Thanks to the separatist feminist types exerting peer pressure, too many women can miss out on fulfilling their own sexual potential. I remember coming across a few from Brighton in the early 90s. There was quite a climate of disapproval at the time of anything that might in any way whatsoever appear to resemble heterosexual ingress. At ridiculous levels too. There was even a feminist movement against tampons. Occasionally revived today. And if as an adult you’ve tried alternatives for a few days you’ll know just how restrictive, demeaning and downright quality of life destroying that can be. I feel for those who for health reasons, have no choice.

Add into that, as a young gay woman, the toxic peer pressure that
any form of penetrative sex, alone or with a partner… is verboten.
Is an attempt to mimic heterosexual sex.
Is an attempt at a male/female dynamic.
Is an attack upon other women.
Is a betrayal of lesbianism.

And other such bullshit, and you can see how pervasive that message can be to a gay woman’s sexual expression and self discovery. Especially if she’s in a fragile place coming to terms with, and exploring, her possibly new found sexuality.

To imply that for a woman, any penetrative act means she really wants a man is as misguided as saying a gay guy who indulges in a penetrative act with another guy, really wants a woman. It’s not about what goes where. It’s about who is making the delivery. And in general we gay women, strangely enough, tend to prefer to sleep with other women. Biology has evolved to gift women, yes even the gay ones, genitalia which not only enjoy external stimulation, but sometimes crave fullness. With pleasurable areas, such as the A-spot (anterior fornix) deep within, that only ET could reach with ease.

Looking at recent data, “British researchers have calculated the average length of an erect penis is 13.12cm (5.16in)”, an averagely endowed chap might struggle. With that in mind, gay women most certainly have the pic n mix advantage.I’m not going to go into every possible combination of tooling up, I’ll just jump in and base it on tried and tested experience.

So that you can just be, as one. In the moment.

The basics

-Harness style
Does it really matter? Yes! Never forget what it is you are trying to achieve:

Intimate
Hands-free
Controllable
Reliable
Internal contact and
Stimulation.

Some like a boxer style. Others fail from the off with sleazy flimsy plastic. The smart ones invest in quality, leather. You won’t regret it. It’s not a fashion show. It’s not porn. Going hands-free is about making it part of you. Literally an extension of your body. So that the chosen dildo moves, as you move. In the way you want it to. And in the way she needs it to. So that it takes little effort and the effect is reproducible. So that you can just be, as one. In the moment. Not faffing about in frustration, trying to rescue a noob style cock-up.

A single strap-type might not give the stability required as well as a two strap soft leather harness will. Vegans can find neoprene alternatives but I can’t vouch for their stability. Fact of life…cows die. You may as well put their by-products to good use and celebrate their life with love.;) Leather gives a little, tightens very well, but is still comfortable to wear. And very durable if nurtured. Outlasting many relationships.

One minor but vital adjustment you might bear in mind is, IF using the harness with a flared base type dildo, it’s wise to sew a small soft leather, chamois panel to the back of the O ring area. That’s the bit that the dildo passes through. Simply because silicone -the Queen of dildo manufacturing material- is quite grippy. With the base directly against your body, motion can pull even closely trimmed hair. It’s a mood killer. Comfort is a must.

-How To Wear It
Tight, tight, tight. This cannot be stressed enough. Not only will the wearer feel secure and therefore more confident, the direct transmission of movement will be enhanced. Stability is crucial.

What do I mean by stability? I mean that you need the base of the dildo -if using that style- to remain tight to the body. So whether you are putting it on yourself or on another, never undo the D rings, you don’t need to.

Two strap harnesses are generally sized within a fairly wide range. If standing, you just step into it as if underwear. If laying down, just work out which are the leg holes and put it on your partner or yourself the same way. Tighten it up a little, so it won’t fall down, before you lift the large ring part away from the body and pull your chosen dildo through the ring from the back. Then, after it’s lined up, [some are curved, point it whichever way you choose] pull the waist straps tight before you do the same with the crotch straps. They loop over the waistband so can either be positioned together between the buttocks. Or slid much wider, more like a climbing harness. Or around the SI joints (dimples in the lower back, either side of the spine) Whichever you prefer, keep them tight and evenly located. Some run for a pair of boxers over the top – but you’ll be surprised how secure you feel without. If however, for some reason you wish to travel outside of your home, wearing it – tooled or untooled- snug boxers would be advised. The look on a girlfriend’s face as you just pull your jeans’ waistband aside to expose a glimpse of that narrow black leather strap …in a restaurant or coffee shop, is priceless. Apparently.

Many women don’t own their own harness. Let alone an array of dildos. You definitely should. A decent harness is a worthwhile investment. Sh! Womenstore’s own handmade soft leather two strap is £45.

https://www.sh-womenstore.com/leather-2-strap-harness.html

You should be so familiar with your harness that you can identify the parts in the dark, by touch and put it on yourself. That way you will be able to deftly put it on a partner which is a pretty hot thing to do, and will encourage even the slightly shy reluctant but eager to please lovers.

It can be a bit awkward the first time the subject arises and many a passionate moment has been lost by the one expected to wear it, disappearing off to the loo with a cat’s cradle of leather straps feeling a bit of pressure, and strutting back in like John Wayne. Humour in the bedroom is good – I know I laugh a lot. But so too is a degree of confidence and being able to bluff your way at moments when a degree of expectation is on your shoulders. Seamlessly. The more familiar you are with how it feels to wear it, the more you’ll transmit that to your partner.

A huge error is to wear it high up on the pubic bone above the clitoris. How exactly do you expect to feel anything? There’s a literal disconnect. Biologically, in the foetus, the phallus evolves into either a clitoris or a penis. The dildo is an extension. Therefore it makes sense to wear it so the base is directly on top of the clitoris. Apply a little lube. It helps to be closely trimmed. And strap in tightly for maximum feedback. This is about mutual pleasure. The more pleasure the wearer gets, the more willing and eager to please the receiving partner. And the more connected and in the moment they’ll both feel. In either role it’s important to be able to relate to the sensation the other might be experiencing. That’s why solo experimentation, familiarisation and practise is vital. Communication will be so much easier and intuitive.

-Dildo or Feeldoe?
Harnesses are just for flared based dildos right? To hold them in
place. Those Feeldoes pictured below [and similar generics]
do away with the need for a harness. That’s the whole point, right? No harness needed. Yeah! Or is it?

The Feeldoe is brilliant, it was designed by women for women, with no need for a harness. The shorter bulbous end (3.5″ insertable length), held in place by the wearer’s own muscles and natural anatomy(the longer end is around 6 3/4″ insertable length at full depth when worn). It’s fine, it works.

However, when making love, you want to be relaxed. Sensitive to your partner’s needs. Free to move in whichever way you want. Wherever you need. Uninhibited by the concern it might slip out just as you reposition. And thrusts, gentle or more enthused, to the receiver, need to feel confident. That they won’t suddenly be interrupted. They need to have a degree of reliable rhythmic anticipation. My advice would be, however good it feels as it is, put it in a harness and it’s even better, for both but especially for the wearer. Both of you should feel more confident and relaxed. Just try it before you dismiss it. Perhaps alone first. Which after all is a good idea. For all sorts of reasons. Not least of which is self control and pacing.

With a harness it’s worn the same way. Loosely step into the harness. Then with it in place, slip the long end of the Feeldoe from the back of the ring through to the front about half way. Then line up the bulbous end so it’s between your legs and the bulb is pointing back and up, and insert it as deeply and snugly as you can. Hold it tight to your body. Then pull the harness ring as far down the shaft as you can go so the ridges come through. First tighten the waist straps to sit just above your hip bones. Next whilst pushing the bulb deep, pull the two straps together between your legs but OVER the base of the Feeldoe. My original has a groove. Not sure about the later models (or the vibe ones). Then, make sure they are evenly spaced on the waist band, around SI joint (dimples in small of back) or wider and pull them tight.

You are looking for snug and secure, without independent side to side motion.

A similar but less effective result can be achieved by the harness wearer if using a dildo, using a cuff of leather on the crotch straps to retain their own in place. You’ll feel the fullness but you won’t get the reciprocal motion that the Feeldoe will transmit.

For this reason, for both partner’s maximum pleasure, and mutual control, I’d advocate the Feeldoe, with a harness.

-Size
An error noobs often make when buying their first dildo, is to go too big in girth or too short in length and some insist upon straight uniform. The standard go to advice for sizing them is …veg. Really. Buy a selection of suitably shaped veg and erm, break out a few condoms and lube and try… then when you find what feels about right in (insertable) length and girth. Measure up and buy. Always buy silicone. It’s worth the cost. The smoothness, the firmness with give, durability, it quickly reaches body temperature. But take care of it. And preferably USE CONDOMS. Not only to protect the surface, but if sharing, the healthy deep flora in one woman is likely to upset the delicate balance of another.

Having said that, it’s good to have a variety of sizes and shapes. But if I was with a new partner and they wanted to try, I’d be very wary of offering anything too small or too big. Something mid range with good length unless asked otherwise. Being able to feel it in use is crucial. And I think is often at issue with lack lustre previous encounters.

The same goes for many gay women’s assumption that a dildo must be straight with no shape. There’s a big difference between going realistic, flesh coloured, so it does look as if someone’s trying to imitate reality (a whole other ball game) and something with some shape, particularly at the tip, that enhances sensation because it works with a woman’s natural anatomy. Why would you work against your own anatomy?

Other stores are available but I’m a long term satisfied customer of both Sh! and BabesNHorny since they first traded.

Here’s Sh! Womenstore’s full range including Feeldoes and their own version.

https://www.sh-womenstore.com/shop/sex-toys/dildos.html?limit=all

Here’s BabesNHorny

If you want no texture at all try:
Babes Classics range.
http://www.babes-n-horny.com/21-babes-classics

If you want some glans type texture but not *graphically realistic* try their
Horny Essentials range.
http://www.babes-n-horny.com/26-horny-essentials.

Before you reject that. Think about how the glans of a basic Rabbit feels.

-Lube
Essential. Liquid Silk, thin, water-based, easily renewed with a little spray of water, is a favourite. Avoid silicone based lubes as they’ll destroy your silicone toy. And avoid gel types which are more suited to other avenues of exploration and quickly get gunky.

Lube is NOT an arousal issue. It is about added sensuality, comfort and preventing friction soreness that may not be apparent at the time it’s caused. Silicone NEVER goes soft. It never loses its firmness. It can keep going as long as you desire. No amount of natural lubrication arousal can keep up.

Also, as mentioned before, silicone is grippy. Inadequate lube on the entire length of the shaft can cause a woman’s anatomy to get dragged on the out-stroke and in worst case scenario slightly pinched on the in-stroke.

NEWSFLASH: Most real women are not built like surgically mutilated porn stars. Don’t believe me ? Look at http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/shop/great-wall-vagina-book-0

Furthermore, if a partner asks for more lube -she shouldn’t have to ask- you MUST listen. Because if you ignore that request and go ahead without, how is that consensual?

Silicone has many great qualities but is also a dust magnet so, you MUST make sure in use, it doesn’t come into contact with any crumbs or bits of debris in the vicinity of its use.. Check visually and double check again by touch, BEFORE you lube it up for use.

As the wearer, that is YOUR responsibility. Clean it pre-use. Hot soapy water, rinse. A useful idea is to use a couple of Tupperware style cereal boxes. The sort with the hole flap in the lid. Fill one with chilled water/ice packs and drinks. And the other with an array of ready washed *toys*, in a mild Milton solution. A few hours shouldn’t cause discolouration. But store them clean and dry in their own bag…away from pets.

As beautiful as silicone dildos can be -check out BabesNHorny which was founded by RA artists and Sh!– leaving them on show, is likely to end with an awkward situation whereby a pet wanders in, dildo in mouth, just as your mother or boss is sitting down for tea.

STOP COPYING PORN.

-Performance
Yes I know, fact is many gay women have little or no personal experience of heterosexual intercourse. Further, some eager to tool-up, refuse any sort of penetrative acts themselves. Some don’t know their own bodies. So I understand how straight porn might be their only reference. But there are points to be learned from it and certainly points to be avoided.

What you see is deliberately visual. Positioned for the camera, not the comfort and pleasure of the participants. Much is fake, unrealistic. Even the tame content can be humiliating and really not to be a role model. IF you are going to use it as reference, then at least try the Instructional categories. The Tantric ones.

I still hold that many straight/bi women would be naturally better at this than many gay women inhibited by lack of experience and all the associated sexual politics. Another reason why it is so important to be totally familiar with it, alone before you try it on another.

-Body contact
Women are sensual. Love-making is a whole body and mind experience. Maintain contact. Maximum contact. Make sure whatever position you are in -and keep those to a core few you can perfect- you have body to body contact. It grounds. It comforts. It reassures. It sensualises. It’s erotic.

Please forget what you see in 99.9% of hetero-porn. In nearly every depiction of hetero intercourse (and the faux lesbian stuff) the body to body contact is sparse. I’m not sure it’s entirely about camera angles. Perhaps it’s a deliberate disconnection. But with what I know of women’s sensuality, it looks odd. Just that awareness itself, if you act upon it, will make a huge impact.

Instead try looking at some of the free content ErosExotica puts out on YP. Not so much for exotic positioning but for the overall mood, respect, mutuality, it’s much more suited to sensual love-making.

-Slowly, slowly
If you have partner whom you’d like to use a FD on you but perhaps they feel a bit shy, or inexperienced, try this … it’ll feel to them as if you are doing the work, but trust me, it’ll build their confidence. [Send her to the loo first!]

Offer to put the harness and FD on them, assuring her she won’t need to do anything except lay back and consent to wearing the FD. Take control. Put it on your partner without fuss. When it’s at the hips, push the FD through the back of the harness panel, so the bulbous end -put a small amount of lube on it- is in position resting, but ready for her to either allow you to insert it for her, or do it herself. When it’s in, push it close to the body and tighten the straps. Now, generously lube up the entire length of the FD. Be aware that this might be the first time she realises she’ll be able to feel some movement as you apply it.

It can be a little full on the first time having someone new straddle you, bouncing up and down like a clapping monkey. So maybe don’t scare her just yet. We shy ones need careful handling. Keep a light sheet to hand too for covering. Something as simple as that can relax someone who might be otherwise be distracted and unsettled.

So instead of straddling her, upright, ignoring the FD for now, it’ll lay under you, straddle her but so you are leaning sensually, feeling the warmth, abs to abs, chest to chest, kissing. Your weight on your knees [bent under you a little like Yoga’s child’s pose] and forearms. Reassure her she need do nothing. In fact it’s important to your trust, that she doesn’t thrust. You are in control. When you feel ready, subtly [here’s where prior practise helps] find the FD and erm get to a comfortable depth. Instead of back and forth, still abs and chests together, concentrate on a slow side to side motion. If you feel self conscious, remember, the wearer can feel the motion. The more you lean forwards, the more the firmness of the FD shaft will flick across your G-spot area. If you push your hips to hers as you do it, the focus will switch to external stimulation. Then as you go a little deeper but still only side to side and take the pressure off the hips, you’ll find the A-spot or epicenter. It’s a deep, dull spot, 2-3″ deeper than the G-spot on the same anterior wall, that responds not to ramming thrusts but sustained pulsing massaging pressure. Ideally a slow 1.25 cycles/second. Later rising to 2.5 cycles/second.

At this point you’ll find it desirable to straighten your legs more so your weight is now spread between forearms, abdomen, hips and knees. You’ll find this three point stimulation will allow you to very easily but subtly switch between A/G/C spots as the arousal in each grows. Ebbing and flowing. The good thing about the A-spot is if you near or trigger orgasm by its stimulation, you can carry on as it doesn’t get over-sensitive.

All the while your partner will be getting maximum sensuality internally herself, as well as body to body.

Indeed, if roles are switched, ie confident one is wearing the FD, the novice can be sensitively encouraged to just lay on you, as you gently move her side to side. But DO NOT thrust, as it can be a very deep, vulnerable position. And if she is not fully in control you could hurt her and she’ll never trust you again.

When we feel a little shy, exposed, anything face down, will help comfort, reassure and dissipate any perceived pressure to perform. And it helps to remember that the goal is sensuality, pleasure. If orgasm occurs with penetration, it’s a bonus but not the goal.

-Focus
Don’t keep pulling your partner around switching positions. Guys mostly do that to delay their own orgasm for her benefit. Feeldoes and dildos don’t go soft. There will last as long as you need. In any position. Women need sustained stimulation, to feel secure, to anticipate. To relax. To build.

-Thrusting

Unless specifically asked, don’t tease but don’t rush. Slow down. Stillness is very important to sensuality. Also you will never keep up a rampant rate for many strokes, so don’t try. Too many start away from their partner’s body and thrust from there. It’s exhausting and inefficient.

And people wrongly think fast full thrusts, ie very shallow to very deep are what’s required. Hip motion, circling, grinding, pelvis to pelvis is far more effective.

For variety check out the Taoist 9-1, 8-2 etc

If you have familiarised yourself with the FD. You will realise that a very small muscular movement is required to effect the perception of quite a large FD movement. And the deeper you are AT REST -ie in a NEUTRAL RELAXED position, the tinier the movement required, to FEEL big.

So, for example, face to face in simple missionary [you may need a pillow under her hips – and a towel is always wise], with a FD, if at rest, perfectly still, you are more or less full depth, it would only take a GENTLE pulsing of the hips/glutes to be significantly felt around the A-spot.

In this case I’d say, trying slowly penetrating -FD well lubed- but NOT thrusting. Let her feel the stillness. Let her contract and relax around the FD. And just lay there, still, kissing, breathing, holding. As the arousal builds in both of you, your hips will instinctively want to push against each other. Just let is occur naturally.

If you are wearing the FD, if you are unfamiliar with it, you might be surprised at how it feels really good, TELL HER, but not overwhelming. And just when you think it’ll carry on like that, fairly plateaued, it can catch you out. So beware of the edge. But don’t feel self conscious. Don’t fight it. TELL HER. She’ll be aroused by the knowing, what she’s sensing anyhow from your musculature. And because wearing the FD for you it’ll mainly be G-spot, you won’t be ultra-sensitive. You won’t need to stop.

A nice loving sensual, whole body alternate, is ELEPHANT. Partner face down, pillow under hips if required. The FD wearer straddles from behind, legs outside of hers, which would be very hard if the FD wasn’t in a harness.

And if you go on all fours, ASK her, don’t just pull her into position. Although many women like it, they often don’t enjoy the exposure. Nor the jostling about. It can feel very humiliating. Tread carefully. Loads of pillows, rolled up duvet. Hold her close, tight. Light touch can feel insecure. It’s incredibly sexy to reach round and hold her hips and upper thighs or pubic bone so she can feel the warmth of your fingers radiating just close enough that she’s anticipating your direct touch.

TIPS

In any case, I think it’s really important try not to pin her hips down even when maintaining body contact. You can inadvertently inhibit someone if you position them so they can’t instinctively move even subtly. Same goes for ensuring, in missionary they are free to use their feet however they wish. That might be being able to put them flat to allow wider range of hip positioning.

Imagine, pre-ingress. You’re face to face, kissing. You can both feel the FD is between your bodies. You’re both anticipating the moment. Isn’t it better to allow her just enough hip movement, that IF she wanted, she could manoeuvre and initiate that moment?

Another sign often misread is feeling her legs and feet lock around your hips. Going back to an earlier point, we’re programmed to think we should be visibly thrusting. So feeling our movement restricted, we think it’s a signal to stop. [If in doubt ask!]

Quite often, it’s actually a signal of an overwhelming desire for you to be as deep inside her as you can get. [ask!] In that moment, instead of thinking about having to withdraw to thrust, just keep rocking, pushing against her. ie push, relax, push, relax.

Some gay women love penetration, but prefer it after other activities as a kind of pre-sleep warm down. Others might sometimes want to go straight to it, slowly, prior to any other touch if only to feel it more fully. Also, many women, can take it or leave it most of the time but crave very deep gentle,  type penetration in the last 7-10 days of menstrual cycle.

Remember  years of sexual politics might have affected your lover’s exploration, so communicate. If you don’t ask you may never find out what she might like to try. And if she has certain parameters, be very respectful. Women who’ve experienced previous trauma are often further inhibited in their sexual expression due to new lovers not hearing what is being said. There are probably things she’d love to do but doesn’t know how to ask. Or needs certain conditions to feel present. Listen. Learn. Facilitate. Occasionally surprise. But always be gentle in heart, mind and body.

Oh and one final point…
No lollygagging 😉 *shudders*

She… may be a hundred different things… Can gay and straight women ever be friends?

She… may be a hundred different things

Last year the Guardian ran a piece asking if straight and gay women could ever be best friends. The premise being since there’s been such a (Western) societal cultural ground-shift, that gay people as a whole are seen as less toxic. Nowadays any hint of hanging out with a lesbian, even if it still brings salacious gossip by others, isn’t quite the career ending unknown, it used to be for many. And often now, can even make the straight woman appear more sexy, trendy and interesting, in her own world. Even the professionals.

Some have gone so far as to describe us as the latest must have straight woman accessory. Although straight fashions being what they are, perhaps that’s already ‘so last season, daahling…’ For the avoidance of doubt, this is about friendship. Of the non-bodily fluid sharing variety. Purely platonic. So if you’re a guy reading this, you’ll be disappointed.

Now if you’ve been paying attention [to an earlier blog], you’ll know that sexual fluidity is a real thing for women. All women. A natural thing. Straight women who are in their thirties, forties, and fifties, in particular have endured decades of having to deny and suppress the slightest hint of this fluidity or face serious, life-changing consequences for even considering it. So any inkling of a growing attachment to other women, of any flavour, in any context, can been met by some with initial suspicion. Even panic. Some will sadly end perfectly good, supportive platonic friendships, because they conflate the two.

Whilst some of us have pretty much always been visibly gay. Not shouting, but not behind the doors of any self-chosen closet. Many straight women haven’t, unless related to us or been stuck in an office with us, had much contact with us. And fewer still will have been actively curious in seeking out gay women for any purpose. On their ‘possible friend material’ list, we’re probably down there with an ex-husband’s new wife. Aware we exist, but treated with suspicion. So they just haven’t really had much of a chance to get to know us. To get used to us. And so their experience of natural, organic friendships with us has been less frequent. Fairly superficial. And often, the exception. We’re all, the poorer for it.

The shift in societal mores in tangent with the increased use of social media by all of us, has meant that our paths have finally begun to cross more naturally. More frequently. No longer by means of the hushed voice whilst being pointed out, across a workspace: “that’s *****, she’s gay. But she’s nice”. “Oh you mean, ***** the lesbian”. Or “By the way, be careful, she bats for the other side, if you know what I mean”.

Instead, we’re now more likely to be tweeted regularly onto her timeline. Making some witty, pithy comment; Saying something valid on a subject, about which she’s passionate. She notices what we say, maybe even that we make her think. Maybe we say something that makes her laugh or makes her want to fist pump. Because she too thought, but dared not, could not, say what we just said. All before she knows much about us bar our username and profile. If indeed we’ve even bothered to fill that out. Eventually perhaps she’ll follow and see more of what we say. The mundane stuff. The banal. The struggles. The triumphs, the pain. The passion. The philosophy. The poetry. The music she’d long forgotten. The music she wishes you had forgotten.

By osmosis, she realises, that you just like her, are a woman first. Albeit one who might inhabit a world where tipping the velvet is an actual hobby and not just a TV drama.. Though that little minefield of moveable feasts deserves an entire blog to itself…  Her curiosity is pricked. We have similar basic, universal desires. To love and be loved. To feel safe. To be understood. Respected. Heard. Not patronised. Or gas-lighted. To be supported. Appreciated. Championed.

Some cynics might still ask if gay women can ever be friends with straight women at all. But if straight women can be such good friends with gay guys. Then why ever not?  It doesn’t make sense to me that it’s ok that way. Yet not this way. I think it’s a power struggle thing. Women. Straight women, know just how powerful their sexual energy is. In the company of men, it’s currency. It’s lethally potent. The straight woman knows she holds the power. Regardless of any genuine attraction to the male in question. She can build him up, manipulate him, play him … or wither him with a simple look. She’s expert at it. And she knows it. It’s a delight to observe, especially on social media. But secretly, we are relieved we are not on the receiving end of this vicious side.. With their gay male friends it pretty much goes unnoticed. Though that might not stop her trying. To her it’s sport.

Now put her alone in the company of a gay woman. Or women. What is the dynamic? Where does the power lie? One on one. She senses our nuance of male energy, she knows how to respond to that. Or at least she thinks she does. But she also feels our feminine energy and suddenly she’s not quite so sure of herself. We’re a familiar, yet unknown entity. A bit of a conundrum to her. And if truth be told, she even more so, to us. We truly wish we had her exquisite grasp of how to use that power to full effect. Honestly, most gay women, just don’t. It’s just one of our greatest fascinations with her. Because we are all too aware that we are just as susceptible to her kryptonite ways. We’re just smart enough to recognise it. Most of us at least. Quick enough to be able to hide it a little better than the men. And hopefully not deluded enough to think we’d ever be her chosen prey. This crucial point, the amateur forgets. Her assumption that we possess them too, which of course we do, adds a little frisson. We’re just not quite the flirtation Ninja she is. Though many of us, but by no means all, are more than happy to be on the receiving end of her benign flirtations. Flirtations that the online world, even in public, allows some to be fairly daring with. Now that is an interesting dynamic. I often wonder what purpose we serve there. Best I don’t dwell on it too long. So instead I’ll embrace it and feel privileged some feel safe enough to be playful. Knowing it is that and nothing more. Still doesn’t stop it being a joyful and sometimes thrilling experience.

But ask a gay woman outright what it is she gets from her friendships with straight women, and you get the feeling that some just don’t want to talk about it. You hear some very evasive answers, if any at all. Almost as if either they haven’t even really considered the dynamic. Or is it they daren’t go there and look deep into themselves? Can it be that they just don’t feel it? Or they simply don’t appreciate the beauty of it? At a push you might get such replies as the modern populist and frankly disingenuous and dismissive, politically correct “…I don‘t see gender… I don‘t see sexuality“. Or “friendships with straight women are less complicated. Fewer dramas.”  With the latter I might just agree.

Someone once said to me,  “you’re more than just a lesbian…” It was well intended, but totally missed the point. Being human is sensual, sexual. It’s our ultimate biological purpose after all. To see something beautiful, to feel the soft, moist, coolness of a rose petal, to smell the delicate aroma. To respond to something. Those pleasures in turn connect with that overwhelming euphoria. Love. In its basic widest sense. Who we are, determines what we respond to. I can’t separate my very being, from whom or what I may or may not be wired to ultimately fall in love with, when enough of those triggers are fired in the right kind of sequence.

So I just don’t see how you can genuinely like someone as a person, feel close to them in true friendship without, if not embracing, at least acknowledging the whole of them. That surely includes their sexuality. Of whichever flavour. What you do with that is a whole other thing. Another note for the amateurs. It’s part of being human. But it’s no bigger part than appreciating their humour. Their wisdom. Their passions. The beauty of their soul. It’s just a part of who they are. Part of the whole. An holistic awareness. But never let it distract you, or beguile you, to the detriment of the potential of a beautiful friendship.

There’s one overriding advantage gay women do have when it comes to friendships with straight women. Because loving women is second nature to us. It’s in the way we gay women are wired. We know how to love women. I don’t just mean in a breathless passionate, all encompassing, sensual feast, kind of loving. But loving in its widest, Buddhist type, sense of the word.

How to reassure her. Support her. Hear her. Comfort her. Most of all, give her time. And of course, always keep her secrets. With some friends, maybe others perhaps with their own busy lives, kids, partners making demands, may not even think for a moment she might be in need of words of comfort and reassurance. It never occurs to me that she wouldn’t.

Maybe that’s simply it. Because that’s what gay women are good at. Firstly we’re women. A commonality. Secondly we usually possess more emotional intelligence, on that basis alone, than most of the men in their lives. And because of our affinity for women, perhaps we connect emotionally, by default, often without even trying, at a slightly deeper level. For some it may be an ingredient they’re, at any given moment missing. Simply to be given a little time. Perhaps not even realising it. But without any other implication or desire. I think it’s just that simple.. And I think when you look at it like that, you will realise that it can be a very easy and lovely thing.

What do I get from straight women? 

And before you get the idea that I’m one of those tiresome gay women who pride themselves on conquests.. think again. I’ve only ever crossed the line with one. I was 23. It was a long time ago. Fell a little in love with her, and her husband noticed. Which was an interesting complication that I don’t wholly recommend. And so when the opportunity arose, I went for it. Fairly pointless. But at the time…well…. Anyway, been there, got the t-shirt … thankfully it was all I got. Moved on. No intention of repeating. Ever. Lesson learned. But I am grateful it happened. I’m all the wiser for it.

So from then on until fairly recently they rarely featured on my radar. I got to the point where I felt that the time and effort and emotional energy invested, was futile. They had nowhere to go. I admit, I was often bemused at gay friends who’d have straight women friends they’d rave about. I just couldn’t see it. To me there was little point it seemed in pursuing such friendships that were fairly superficial and to my mind offered little in the way of comfort. Of any sort.

Then a few years ago, there was a gay woman friend. Whom we both knew was unavailable but very unhappy where they were. I was happy being single. So I was emotionally free to do as I liked with no immediate consequence. It meant I was there for them. If not in person, at least there to listen. To reply. To give them the attention they were lacking at home. It was pure escapism. But as their circumstances became more unhappy, they became increasingly concerned about being discovered. Even though we had done nothing wrong. By coincidence, someone neither of us knew, threw them with a totally unrelated comment at a time when they were feeling particularly under scrutiny. More was read into it than ever should have been. They panicked. Assumed it was about us. Yet no one knew about us. Refused to listen to anything I said, and things very rapidly turned sour. I was left bruised, sad, and very wary of getting into any such situation again. With anyone.

It resulted in me having almost a year away from social media.When I finally returned, I purposely avoided gay women, unless I previously knew them from elsewhere. Gradually as I got used to the straight women, day by day, each in their own special way, they won me over. I could see I preferred the apparent uncomplicated, superficiality I could get with the straight women, and for that matter a few guys too. Talk about banal everyday small talk stuff I’m so crap at; learn a little about their lives through osmosis, even if it means occasional exposure to their fashion disasters. Their latest purchases, their hobbies, their careers, their heartbreaks. Their latest TV crushes, sometimes even their “girl crushes” whatever the hell they are ffs and very slowly a few bright stars emerge from the darkness. Though do beware, you risk discovering that straight women… might not be that scary after all. Because if this lot are okay. You know, I mean okay enough that you actually genuinely care about some of  them, then …. well, then perhaps you might find yourself having to rethink your taboo-ridden straight-looking gay/bi women aversion. I know I have. To me that has been a total revelation. A most valuable and enlightening one. It seems sexual fluidity really is a thing for gay women too. In my case thanks to those growing friendships with straight women, my own eyes have totally been opened. I now find myself appreciating qualities in gay women, that previously were things I’d actively avoid.

I could have left out the two examples. No doubt some would think them TMI as they’d say in some places. But for me they frame, give relevant context to, where I am now. And give authenticity to why I feel as strongly as I do. They remind me of just how precious, what I have now is.

Platonic friendships between gay women are notoriously difficult. Complicated. You invariably know new lovers. Or their ex’s ex. It’s a fairly small pond. Or even as a neutral you get drawn into taking sides or socially avoiding some or being wary around others. So friendships with straight women, as a by product offer an escape from that.To simply say friendships with straight women are less complicated – which is true – is to do them a huge disservice. It’s to overlook their depth. The strength of loyalty and uncomplicated, genuine deep affection that develops over time. There is no quick fix passion to rely on when things go wrong. So you have to nurture it. Be gentle.

So yes, those few bright stars. The ones who have changed my mind and opened both my heart and head in so many ways. There are those who flirt outrageously, with a verve and equality that is pure joy. Those with a wicked wit and humour whose fix puts you on a high for the rest of the day. Those who share their moments of triumph or triviality, then trust you with the secrets of their heart. Those private unguarded exasperations. Their moments of laughter or loss. Those who pop up with a timely bit of wisdom, or spirituality to lift you. A specially chosen piece of music for you, to convey a moment of tenderness. Yet they themselves have their own dark forlorn moments. Those who push and challenge you. Keep you learning, every day. Those who turn to you for your advice as they recognise your depths and your own fleeting wisdom. Appreciate your skills and dare from time to time to reveal their own vulnerabilities and self-doubts. Then comfort you with words of kindness. They come in a varied pick and mix of types. And I love that variety. When you date someone, you generally have to stick to one or two and no one can be expected to provide it all. But … here, with them, each one gives something unique. Challenges you in a different way.

Perhaps CS Lewis hit upon a fundamental truth, about the nature of love and particularly friendship, that still holds firm. That we in the modern world just don’t know how to do it. We’ve lost the skill. I think in a world of instant gratification and sexual quick fixes, he might just be right, sadly even more so today, for many. Thankfully I have my six years as a pupil at a girls’ boarding school to draw upon. There everything was platonic. I was good at it. I see it still stands me in good stead, as I recognise the comforting familiarity of the best of that, today.

In his book The Four Loves, CS Lewis examined the nature of love in its four types, and the specific qualities of each: Affection[family, familiarity, brotherly], Friendship [bond of love between friends], Eros [being in love or wanting one particular person] and Charity [unconditional]. He points out that since our species doesn’t need  friendship in order to reproduce, it is freely chosen. Making it all the more profound. Something that the classical and medieval worlds valued highly. To them, he said, it seemed although “the least natural.. the happiest and most fully human of all loves”. A deeply appreciative love.

So, if you are ever lucky enough to stumble across it …treasure it, protect it, and appreciate it for what it is and all that you have…for She

“…May be a hundred different things, Within the measure of a day”….and as the Frenchman would say.

Labels: How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

These days we increasingly inhabit online worlds as de rigueur. We adopt convenient, no nonsense labels. ‘I am this, that, or the other’. It cuts through the crap. Filters out a lot of the chaff. Saves time. Creates a product, a brand. Says ‘I am here, this is me, accept it or frankly f**k off… I don’t have time for this. Next…!’

This is particularly prevalent shorthand when it comes to issues of sexuality. Talking about sex is a good thing. An essential part of any intimate relationship, in my opinion. I remember vividly the scary HIV/AIDS tombstone campaign and all the TV programmes suddenly, shockingly back then, talking about … gasp … condoms. For my age group, it was a gift. I’ve known nothing else than to have to be okay about at least mentioning issues of safer sex. Incidentally, lesbians are, by activity, thankfully, generally the least risky group. Aside of course from those few who do engage in risky practises. And by the way, yes, lesbians do use condoms. But perhaps not for the reasons you might imagine.

Being able to talk about sex is particularly vital for women who have experienced sexual abuse, assault, and violence. Frankly, for us, if we can’t talk to you, the person we are in bed with, then really we shouldn’t be in bed with you at all. So bear that in mind next time someone feels brave enough to ask you to adjust, or modify what you are doing. Or wants, needs to take things slowly, before you take offence and complain that you ‘just can’t get anything right’. You might just have blown your chance at having a great lover. Yes you might have done fine up until now, no complaints, by just falling into bed on lust and hoping for the best. A real stud, huh? Slow hand clap.

What about when that touch gives her a flashback? Are you really enabling her to feel able to say ‘slow down’, ‘stop’. What about that moment … you know, the moment just a split second before you penetrate her. Do you know, it’s ok? How? Did you ask? Did you have a safe word agreed beforehand and she told you, begged you to go ahead, do whatever you want until and unless she uttered it? Or did you, do you, just assume it’s ok to penetrate her body unless she says ‘STOP!’ or ‘NO!’? How do you know, if you haven’t talked openly, before you’ve ever had sex? For what it’s worth, when I’m the giver, that moment, scares me. It’s one of the main reasons I hold back, delay, wait just a little longer. I’d rather wait for, ‘Please, now…’ than assume I can go ahead until she says ‘No!’. But I guess my mindset is coloured by my own experiences. Perhaps I need to learn to display a little more unrestrained, but consensual, passion. Be a little more lustful and animalistic. Unleash the passion. Make her feel totally desired. Yes, the more I think about it, I think that’s exactly what I need to do. But how?

I can just see it. I’ll get to the point where I might one day be considering dating again. And into my life will walk, a woman who will know exactly what she wants. And how to get it. And she won’t hold back in spelling it out. Perhaps when, if we ever get to that point, the conversation over several days, might go something like this ….

HER: “By the way, I can be a bit of a pillow princess“, she’ll say, mid some other random conversation, whilst getting to know each other. Probably via some sort of online media, since that seems to be the way things develop first these days.I’ll rack my brains for the meaning. Doesn’t that mean someone who takes. Especially oral sex, but won’t, can’t reciprocate? That little lesbian/bi chestnut. Hmmm, hang on, this is a self-deprecating insult, surely?

ME: “Erm, I’m not sure that’s something to be particularly proud of, you know, being lazy in bed!”

HER: “Well, I like it. I love the dynamic. And it’s worked for me so far.”

ME: “But.., okay, is it about any specific activity? It’s just that after you said it, I did a bit of research, so I could understand more. To know what I might be getting into. And the things I read, by a self-styled pillow princess, weren’t very encouraging. She was boasting about seducing women. Getting her fill of pleasure and then as she put it, when it was their turn, making a hasty exit. Blue-clitting them, I think she said. Frankly I was pretty disgusted.”

HER: “But pillow princesses with stone butches work ok. I love that dynamic.”

ME: “Stone butches? You mean the gay women who won’t let the other party touch them at all? Those? Ok, I can see how with them, the whole pillow princess thing would work ….but…”

HER: “But it’s worked for me so far. I like it. What’s the big deal?”

ME: “Well, I guess for those two, no big deal. But really, for most people, if you really desire your partner, you want to make them feel desired too. To express your love for them. You know quite often, the givers are the ones who most need to learn to receive. To touch someone, with love, to caress them, see them, feel them relax and let go, it’s a very special thing. It’s a huge part of the sexual experience. But it must be possible to be more versatile and just ask for that dynamic from time to time…I mean take Tantric stuff, that is all about letting the other totally pleasure you whilst you totally relax. But it works both ways.”

HER: “But I don’t want to ask all the time…”

ME: “It’s not about asking all the time. It’s about saying I’d like to try xyz or I love xyz, then leave it up to the other person so they know what is/isn’t okay. Please think for a while about the difference between knowing what you like and want in bed. And communicating and negotiating that, within a healthy sexual relationship. Not the same thing. But both vital. Chicken & egg… Even more so where one person has perhaps been abused or assaulted.”

This would feel like a breakthrough moment. Now or never. I’d know soon if she had heard me. If she was serious, I’d soon know if I could breathe a sigh of relief…or give up.

HER: “I know. I’ve been with someone who was. It is all about communication but also a build up of trust x”

ME: “I look forward to you maybe teaching me more about what you need/want x”

HER: “But what about you? X Your wants/needs?”

ME: “Depends what’s on the table?…”

At this stage it wouldn’t feel as if much was on the table at all, to be honest.

ME: “Okay. For a start…the things we’ve talked about already this evening. Works for me in both roles. Even if the giver prefers to be slightly passive! I don’t have any huge outlandish desires. Mainly sensuality, gentleness…being pushed a little. Simple really.”

HER: “I do too.”

I’d feel the need to keep this going. To soften her. My God, she’d asked me. Even this felt like progress. Maybe she’s hoping I’ll say things about being the dominant person she desires. I can do that. But it isn’t my first choice… Perhaps… if I’m open, vulnerable, honest. She might see that the person she want to be desired, ravished by, has those same needs.

ME: “PERFECT. The last few years when a woman pops into my head…in a moment of fantasy, it’s often that feeling of their warmth/weight …being erm… But it works both ways. It’s very sexy when the other takes control.

So ..is there anything you have always been curious about but never tried?”

HER: “I do like being dominated… And sometimes a bit rough…”

THIS, was her chance again to assert her needs. Bravely, more clearly. But it would scare me. I’d need to find out exactly what she meant. I could feel myself welling up at even the thought of doing something, being asked, expected, to do something, that to me might seem abusive or humiliating. And to someone I might one day love… Heartbreaking. I would need to come back to this. Sleep on it. Push her to explain a little more. And brace myself.

ME: “You’ll have to teach me how to give you what you need ..in a safe way. I’m open to exploring it.”

A moment of reassurance for her, that I too would be willing to shift.

HER: “You know the dynamic. I like it when someone is in control…consented control. Anyway you need to tell me yours, your fantasies, what do you like?”

Would this be a moment of shift for her? Until now she had looked to me as the potential provider of the dynamic she desired. How would she react when I reflected back at her, what she had said to me?

ME: “Oh …that …what I like or what I read about and am curious about but haven’t tried?? In the heat of the moment …alone …depending on a number of things … There are alternate images … Because I guess it’s those moments alone, that are quite telling … I’ve a history of reading/being curious about BDSM but I think for me, it’s just the power/psychology/ perhaps, at a push, if brave, very very mild restraint but not in any way shape or form PAIN, I HATE PAIN, I hate abuse or anything demeaning or humiliating. Revolts me when I see it on YP. (See earlier blog!) I have to always feel safe (physically/psychologically/emotionally) and comfortable. Otherwise just not into it at all. So there’s a curiosity but not sure it’d translate into reality ..we shall see…That is very different from the image that comes into my mind when…I’m thinking of, craving the secure, weight, strength, warmth, passion of a woman, on me/in me, thrusting… Or vice versa… But also, I remember a lover. She lay me down, told me to be still, sat at my side, put one leg over me ..and in “15min orgasm” style (look it up) just very gently/precisely ..took control. Then 3x more…that was special. Very very intense.”

HER: “I know exactly what you mean. Light restraint. Consented control.”

ME: “So late last night I was looking on Reddit and places, to see what people said about … the subject you brought up. Consensus is it means different things to different people. So what does D/s mean to you? For some it seems there’s underlying sexual anxiety and when someone else takes over it lets them off.”

HER: “Honestly, I suppose in life I’m usually in control. I want it to be the other way around… In bed. I love the dynamic..”

ME: “So some of the women, from what I read needed quite extreme things. Things that might seem quite abusive. And for others, well it sounded as if it was more about passion. Feeling (male) partner’s strength – lust-driven thrusts etc. I recall a previous lover saying as much to me. Loved knowing how much stronger/bigger I was than her but that with gentle touch, she loved how she could control me!”

HER: “It is the passion. Strength. It’s difficult to explain.”

ME: “I understand that bit fully. It’s what I fantasise about. And to be honest ..don’t we all nearly always pin someone’s hands down when we kiss them? I quite like the passivity …”

HER: Well then, it seems you and I will get along…

ME: “But I also like being passive from time to time! Because otherwise I’d always be in control – in real life and in bed… I guess you will have to train me to be the Dom you need me to be. Like be clear when I can/need to go further. I’ll soon get the hang of it...Consent has to be key. Clear at all times. Bottom line!”

HER: “Of course! You’ve reminded me. Reminded me of how I used to feel.”

ME: “I love that. That I’ve reminded you. I know *talking* about sex can be boring – unromantic, but it can be a kind of sexy foreplay. So …could you cope with my demanding fantasies? Would they put you out of your comfort zone?”

HER: “Yes I believe I can. No definitely not out of my comfort zone. You can push me though x.

ME: “Oh.. I get it …if I want you to f**k me .. I just strap you up and ..say the word …is that how this works?”

A joke, but her response to this will tell me if there’s genuinely any chance of a shift away from the 90/10 closer to 50/50. Though, for her mind, I might settle for 70/30, 60/40.

HER: “I am versatile. Whatever you want / we want. I’ll do.”

All along, this would have been the moment I feared would never come. The moment, when she realised, her desires, might also be my desires and that because we each shared them, it could potentially make each of us better at giving them to each other. Why deny each other that, through labels? Miscommunication?

ME: “Oh …right. Perfect. Me too. But I do find it kind of sexy that you are MAKING me get in touch with my more Dominant side. Expanding my experience. Who’s the *submissive*? Lol, I think it’s more like big S little d, *S/d*. You can push me too. Whichever role you are in.”

HER: “Oh I’ll draw it out in you…Depends how much you want me x”

ME: “I want your mind, so my desire for your body kind of follows. So far, you are a very good mind-f**k. As opposed to a head-f**k.”

HER: “And hopefully a good …..”

ME: “Anyhow ..hmmm versatile tonight, huh? I could have walked away days ago thinking you were rigid. Fixed in your pillow princess ways …”

HER: “Oh right really?”

ME: “It was a conversation with a friend that stopped me. I concluded that I felt you were open enough to possibly shifting a little more to 70/30, 60/40 than the 90/10 I originally feared, and I felt I could live with that …because interests, careers, mind, humour, were ideal …Otherwise I might have worried you were too fixed (from the impression you gave)… Maybe next time start the awkward sex conversation bit with .. “I am versatile but I do love exploring the *D/s side too.., and you like switching*.” It sounds more, sort of, erm mutual but clear that you know what you want and how to get it.” You just need to give other people, the chance to fulfil those wants and needs. You might be pleasantly surprised!”

HER: “Right… you know what, I really think we will get on just fine!”

So, readers, if what you actually mean is … ‘I want passion, I want to feel desired. To feel your passion and lust for me. I need to feel that moment when, you let biology take over and you drop your inhibitions, just for a moment. Lost, in the moment.’ Why not just say that, from the start? … You might just get exactly that. Because if you don’t say it. Or you send mixed messages. She might walk away, and you will never know…if perhaps, one day you should have married her.

[thank you to the women who suggested and otherwise helped inspire this blogpost]

Lesbians Would Go Much Further – Let’s Jump On The Porn Banned-wagon.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to jump on the “Oh my God they’ve banned porn and especially female pleasure centric porn” “How dare they, discriminate against women’s sexuality”, bandwagon. Because quite frankly, with some of it, it’s about bloody time too. Personally, I’d go much further and with somewhat seemingly quite subtle things, but more of those later.

So the UK government, in its wisdom, by way of an amendment to the 2003 Communications Act, has banned a load of porn. Well no they haven’t exactly. They’ve just decided what activities now cannot be depicted in UK porn.

“The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 requires that video-on-demand (VoD) online porn now adheres to the same guidelines laid out for DVD sex shop-type porn by the British Board of Film Censors (BBFC)”  In short, the issues are a bit more complicated than the original Independent article would have you believe from their simplistic list.

-Aggressive whipping

-Caning

-Spanking

-Humiliation

-Penetration by any object “associated with violence”

-Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of  if consensual)

-Physical restraint

-Role-playing as non-adults

-Female ejaculation

-Urolagnia (that’s “water sports”)

-Strangulation

-Face sitting

-Fisting (vaginal and anal)

Herein lies a whole lot of key legal nuance. The explicit legal detail is HERE [http://obscenitylawyer.blogspot.co.uk/] should you be curious enough to educate yourself in the minutiae. And he should know because the fascinating field of Obscenity Law is his day job.

And don’t forget, these aren’t, in UK, *banned acts*. You can still do them in the privacy of your consensual, relationship. This is just about what the BBFC (film censors), will and will not, classify.So unless you watch Video-On-demand tv porn, or work in the associated industries that make it, it really won’t affect you. You can still view sites around the world that show this sort of stuff if you really want to, for now. I say for now, because as ObscenityLawyer reminds us, porn in the canary of free speech. Once governments start regulating the bedroom activities between consenting adults it is a slippery slope and not in a good way.

So here’s where I sit on the issue. And it’s not on anyone’s face. I’ll tell you that for nothing.

I’m not an anti-porn, feminist, man-hating lesbian. But, I’ve never made a habit of watching porn with a partner. I don’t imagine I’d need or want to, unless it was a specific instructional type. Or my partner particularly wanted to. I don’t own any of those DVDs. Well, okay I do own Love Muscles and Love Muscles 2 … For the unfamiliar, it was a popular 1990s gay guy video, no sex at all. Just smooth buff guys working out … butt naked. Fascinating.

For me, porn is a tricky area. A clip is more likely to turn me off, than turn me on. There are some very specific off triggers. They occur, for me, equally between women as they do between straights.The only place I’ve consistently seen a few clips between women, that I like is Canadian GoodDykeP***, with real gay women. Made by women. For women, amateurs, not pros. Celebrating women’s sexuality in a positive way. Oddly, the only type of lesbians, men probably do not want to watch. [short preview clips or fairly low subs for full length. Use this link HERE or the banner link at the side of the page]

We are found there, depicted in all of our many guises. Slim ones, not so slim ones. Very girly, slightly girly, through boyish, androgynous, up to real hardcore ultra butch. If they’re your bag. And the full range from hairless, trimmed, right up to frankly, unkempt orang. Yeah I’m judging. FGS, at the very least, TRIM IT … e v e r y   w h e r e.

Like it or not, that is the site to go to, to learn the safe way to do certain things. I’m certainly not advocating it. But for example, if you’ve been curious enough to read thoroughly about how to SAFELY do, say vaginal fisting. And want to see it done in a very controlled, lengthy, real time, mesmerising and really quite loving video. Then that’s the site to go to. It’s worth a 3 month sub just for that education. It’s a far cry from the brutality depicted on other sites.

And it is something that is, for many reasons, not uncommon between women. I know my last two lovers have both done it for previous partners, who had hetero backgrounds. Remember women usually have considerably smaller hands than men. In fact top tip… if a woman notices you have small hands …let that be a tiny clue that they might just be sizing you up for it. That’s nothing to be freaked out about. But in my opinion, it is something you should never just *do* in the heat of the moment. At the very least, read up on it thoroughly, just in case you ever meet someone who wants to give or receive. And if you hang out with straight/bi women, that might be sooner than you think. Better to be prepared and informed, than to just wing it and possibly cause life changing injuries.

Have I done it? Well, it is something I’ve occasionally been curious about, in both roles. And I have extensively read about, How To. So if a lover asked, then I now feel fairly well enough informed to know how to do it safely. I’ve also spoken to women who have done it as givers. But that alone wasn’t nearly as good an education as watching the fisting scene on GoodDykePorn. So no I haven’t, not yet. I may never.

Gratuitous porn might be useful for some to get their rocks off. But this ban, isn’t just about that sort of porn. Now even the GDP fisting clip, as controlled and loving, and safely done as it is, could not be classified for release in UK on a DVD or V-o-D. In my mind, that is a problem. Some of their rules on restraint for example are sensible, in that there must be consensual context to a scene, and always a clear way of signalling safe words/safe exit.

I don’t watch porn habitually online. But, yes I admit I do from time to time. Usually in the early hours if I have spare Mifi data to use up. Generally preferring YP to other free sites. It’s rare for me to find something I want to watch and which doesn’t turn me OFF at some point. If I do, then I tend to return. Now the quality produced by HegreArt is something else, a little gratingly stylistic, especially in the thumbnails and titles, but two all time personal favourites on YP, are from that site. With the good ones, their filming is sensational. One of my favourites might really shock some of you – but my God, every woman who ever sleeps with men, surely needs to learn how to do that! Even I’m tempted and I haven’t been near a guy in the last 25yrs. Just because I know I have the skill to be really good at it.

Honestly, I very rarely stray beyond my usual ultra narrow, sensual, tantric, massagey, or occasional romantic, hetero vanilla.

On YP, surprisingly to straights, I pretty much avoid anything with two women. I can only think of two or three clips I’ve seen there between two women, that I’d rate.. Most of it is to be avoided. One was a Hegre Art video, here’s a handy hint…

The other is titled rather awkwardly “Mom- mature lesbian loves a strong orgasm. But fairly nicely done. Worth looking for.

Yes really, gay women do often prefer seeing two gay guys or a straight couple, because the tripe that passes for “lesbian porn” is so laughable.

Mostly you’re being conned. Truth is, if you sat beside me and we watched it together, it’d be reminiscent of sitting beside a real life barrister, commentating on an episode of Silk [knowing guffaw from the wings]. Educational and worth every penny.

Apart from the dark-haired one having her head jammed up against the bed rail. Oh and while the long haired one is better at OS, even though she rushes it too much, and doesn’t lie down flat so there’s always that anxiety that she’s going to stop or move away, her body positi oning is a little high up when kissing, to feel like she’s an authentic gay woman. My feeling is she’s gay for pay. Unlike the other whom, I’m pretty sure, is gay. Gay women really go for full gentle, body contact and sensuality. It’s a skill the bi women in porn – and probably in real life – just don’t naturally possess. Yes I know some is so certain activities can be seen by the viewer. But like Len watching ballroom, I can just tell. See, told you.

Anyhow, for the purposes of research for this piece, I felt I should at least push my boundaries a little, beyond my usual tastes.

It’s been quite a stretch. But authenticity is important. I didn’t look up all banned categories but mercifully for me, there’s a fair bit of overlap. I looked up just enough to give you a potted snippet, I’ll describe in brief, non-salacious detail what I saw. Maybe then you’ll realise that the ban is not quite as over the top as it seems. Although come to think of it, if you’re reading this blog, you probably aren’t that innocent in these things.

So brace yourself, it’s graphic …..here we go.

Clip one: Face sitting was the search term.

It opened with two women in tights. Just tights. Both way too skinny for my taste. Almost immediately one slinked off the bedside so her neck and upper back were hyper-flexed on the floor taking her full weight. Shortly afterwards, the other woman followed so she was putting her weight on the neck and chest, smothering the neck and mouth.

A woman truly mid-orgasm, is out of control, to a degree. Even the very quiet, still ones. The muscle control isn’t there. Whether it’s involuntary thrusts or a knee-buckling weakness. The focus is on their own pleasure and not primarily their partner’s safety. What lesson of responsibility is this type of scene showing?

Even flat on a bed, where there’s less risk to the neck, the risk of smothering IS very real. Even if your hands are free, aside from biting the hell out of the sitter, you’d have trouble forcing them off you. It makes me feel panicky just thinking about it.

Maybe I’m biased, because whilst I love giving oral sex, I can’t bear anyone smothering me. So this is not something I would do as giver or receiver, in this sort of position, fore or aft, in any combination. I’m strictly a vanilla, ”lie on your back, get comfy, and relax…because I’m going to lie down too and take my time over this…”, kind of girl. Yup, I think I blew this blog as a vehicle for giving myself any allure or mystery, long ago.

 Clip two: Lesbian fisting.

I’ve seen this in a few hetero scenes, so pretty much that was my measure of what I expected. Instead the scene opened in a cell. I nearly changed to another clip but I felt I should continue for authenticity. The female receiver on the floor, supine. Hands bound to feet above her head.. Not looking comfortable at all, and to me she looked out of it, and cold. Her chest is being mauled. There’s evidence of earlier rope abrasions on her upper arm. Fingers are shoved deep in her mouth as her nose is simultaneously covered. She’s being bitten and slapped.. She’s spat on. Although there was evidence of lube having been used earlier, there was no easy supply in sight apart from a fine trickle coming in from above, midway though the scene. Less than a minute in, her neck is being repeatedly and lengthily compressed as the fisting hand is finally forced, not eased, in as she’s momentarily incapacitated by the compression. The movements are far more than the gentle, subtle rocking required for fullness and pleasure.

In its defence, the eventual withdrawal was done with care. And she was checked for any visible damage. But they’re about the only redeeming aspects. Nevertheless, it was to me, a desperate and brutal thing to watch. Quite disturbing. I’d be horrified if someone having only watched that, thought they now knew how to do it.

This video would be banned on, off the top of my head, the lack of contextual consent. Maybe the slapping. The smothering possibly. The strangulation and that’s before we even get to the fisting itself. It wouldn’t I think be banned on restraint, because although all four limbs are tied. She is able to speak. So therefore if there was a safe word, in theory, she could use it.

I opened by saying I was glad certain things had been banned from being depicted. And from the description above, in that case, you can see they are justified. That level of brutality should not be on UK’s V-o-D channels.

There’s been a great deal of anger over the banning of the depiction of female, but not male ejaculation. People are citing the move as discriminatory against women’s pleasure and sexuality. For me, male *money shots* are the moment I look away. I can cope with seeing it in a scientific context. Yes there’s a Wiki video for that! But personally I find the sight of it, in the context in which it is usually done in porn, quite demeaning to the woman. Very uncomfortable to watch. Except in a passive capacity, such as my favourite Hegre video. Also, gay guy videos, to me don’t have the same feel about them. It seems more respectfully done somehow.

As for the depiction of so called female ejaculation, I fully support that ban. Of course I know for some women, ejaculation does occur. I’ve caused it on numerous occasions. But I do not believe that most of what is shown as female ejaculation, in porn is genuine at all. Look at the edits. Look at the quantity and look at the flow. Often it is fluid that has been syringed into the woman, then expelled, over and over. Therefore it is an unrealistic representation of what it pretends to be. For impressionable viewers, that is one hell of a rip off, in terms of the pressure that might be exerted by an ignorant partner. Even the risk of physical damage caused by a partner who will not accept, not all women do. The same can’t really be said of male ejaculate in porn, as far as I am aware. If men did fake it, I suspect there’d be bucket loads, not just a squeezy mayo style spurt.

In my experience, with a woman who knows she ejaculates there are two separate things. The squirt and the gush if you want me to distinguish between them. If a woman is on top, being penetrated, it’s more of a gush, and more from deep A spot pressure. You know as the giver, because you feel it suddenly running down your sides and up your back. Or in the case of a friend of mine … all over your brand new sofa, because she didn’t warn you beforehand to have some towels underneath, because things might get a little wet.

Now, where the woman is face-down (best in my experience) and you are stimulating the G-spot, with your thumb, with minimal external contact. You feel the distinct bearing down and a quick fine, forceful jet of fluid hits the palm of your hand.

Here are the things they forgot to ban

I grew up in the era of HIV tombstone adverts, so ingrained in my psyche is safer sex. That means protecting yourself and protecting your partners. Assuming neither know their HIV status for the sake of simplicity.

Firstly, as a gay woman, I am outraged that things are labelled lesbian porn when clearly they are gay for pay. By all means call it girl on girl or bi or two women. But don’t call it *lesbian* unless it is.

Secondly, nails … any time there is digital vaginal penetration depicted in porn, and the woman has nails longer than would be acceptable for a professional massage therapist, glove up. Black gloves can be sexy. Even short nails can scratch the fragile walls, causing a transmission route for HIV. Frictional irritation can also cause issues. Long nails can do serious damage. Immediately beyond the spongy G-spot area, is very very smooth delicate skin towards the A spot…exactly where long nails would be if stimulating the G-spot.

Thirdly …ban spitting. It is disgusting, humiliating and degrading. Insist lube is used. Visibly used. It protects the delicate tissues. Adds pleasure and many help protect against thrush and some bacteria. For us in the gay community, lube is seen as a toy in its own right.

Lastly, for now, ban unreasonably skinny, looking women. Curvy women are far more sexy.

I won’t apologise for my verbosity or the graphic nature of this piece. This is a subject far too often, brushed aside. It can’t really be spoken about without specificity. Women really should speak to each other at least, about how they feel. And to their partners. It isn’t a black and white subject.. You either like porn or not, is a fallacy. Female sexuality and desire comes in all shades of pink. It’s time the least well represented, started being heard. I don’t think the ban has gone nearly far enough. Meanwhile, I’m happiest with my focus on a gentle, Tantric style, turn taking, respectful sensuality.

http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiansex/ht/HowtoFist.htm
http://www.hegre-art.co.uk/massage

Further research:

This Japanese/Australian documentary  About S/M Bondage in Japan (Aussie comm with Danish subs) covering some of the issues mentioned here, specifically bondage and BDSM, is worth watching on YouTube

The Tyranny Of Orgasm – Stop Trying To Make Her ….

Stop Trying To Make Her Come

Apparently “lesbians know the secret to the best orgasms you’re not having”, so says a recent Guardian article citing a Journal of Sexual Medicine survey on how often they are likely to have an orgasm with a regular partner. And apparently it’s the poor old bi women who lose out most. The timing of the publication, has increased my sense of guilt at side-stepping this group in the past. I feel I owe them. Sort of. Maybe. Since they’re coming off worst, so to speak.

Why would it be, that bi women fare so badly? Worse than all men, who are on a mean ratio of 85%, women are on 63%, lesbians are on 75%. Is it that they aren’t specialising? Always thinking the grass is greener, maybe? Moving between partners too fast, because they can, and so never investing themselves wholly in any one partner? Or are the men intimidated by the knowledge another woman has the upper hand? Or are the women the bi women choose the sleep with, also short-changing them? I wish the survey had gone deeper into the female bi numbers. What percentage of that sample are having sex with other bi women or straight curious ones, as opposed to having sex with actual gay women? Or are they not emotionally invested in either a male or female partner, more often, which is leading to the miss rate? Who knows? But read on McMuff and I’ll do my best over the coming months to share what I’ve learned about trying to be a considerate lover to women.

During a conversation with a male friend some years ago. He reminded me of something, that I’d said to him years before, when we had been discussing women, as you do. Remarkably, he said that ever since, every time he had slept with a woman, my words had been in his head. It had totally changed how he was with women. It was apparently that powerful. Damn it, if only I’d known, I could have really made mischief. I could have ruined his life….

So there we were chatting about sleeping with women and all the things we each loved about them, when he uttered the cringe-making fateful words … “and make them come.”

My face would have been something akin to a Munch.

Ooops how did that wonderful work of art by Leftfootforward.org get in there.

My bad …

What’s the big deal?

I know it’s not just men who say it. It’s all over lads’ mag articles, which isn’t much of a surprise. But it’s in Cosmo articles, in the titles, even. Women say it about themselves. About their partners’ role. Regardless of sleeping with men or women. Even gay women saying it about their lovers and themselves. *Oh shit, it’s not them. It’s me isn’t it?*

So what’s my issue with it? After all it’s accurate isn’t it? Just saying it like it is, right? No, it isn’t. The thing that has stuck in his head ever since.

Here’s what I said to him:

“I really don’t like that phrase”

“What, ‘make her come’, why?”

“It’s just …Look, as a woman’s lover, it’s just not your job ever to try to make any woman come. It’s not for you, the other person, to decide when she’s going to have an orgasm. That’s a very arrogant thing to do. Your job is to do whatever she needs, for as long as she needs, in the way that she needs, so that her body reaches orgasm, when it is ready. In its own time. However long it takes. Not because you have decided she should have an orgasm, now. And then you suddenly decide to speed up. It’s so annoying. Lesbians do it too…[I’m sure I was sounding like Donald Duck at this point] ”

That short exchange changed how he made love to women from that point onwards.. so he claimed.

You women who slept with that guy; we’ll call him Andrew, because that’s what his mum calls him, owe me. Big time !

Definition: Make v.t  to cause, induce or compel.

Learn to listen to your lover’s body, it tells you everything you need to know

Lovers who generally are too goal oriented and don’t do enough listening, are bad lovers in the long term. They ignore the journey. The overall pleasure of the sensuality of lovemaking. They fail to learn. They fail to develop intuition. Is it any wonder the initial excitement fades if there’s no deeper foundation. Learn to listen to your lover’s body, it tells you everything you need to know, one way or another. From the most subtle muscle changes, if you know where to look, and how to place your hands, to clearer signs.

Lovemaking for the longevity of the affair or relationship, should be approached with a sensate focus and Tantric kind of mindset. It’s about building up a physical, sensual, foundation. Giving to your partner and allowing them to give to you, that isn’t just about an orgasm. Hell, yeah, don’t get me wrong, it’s important. But it’s the build up, the anticipation, the edging, the exquisitely subtle communication, that changes it from good (always remember to say thank you! I know I do.) to mind-blowing…. It’s about feeling her touch so finely tuned to your body’s needs, that you forget she cannot feel exactly what you feel with every touch, as each impending orgasm builds.

Briefly, (modified) sensate focus, is a technique couples use to try to reconnect with each other… WHEN SEX GOES WRONG. I first heard of it during LBC’s late night phone-ins, in the 80s. And it’s fascinated me ever since. Like why wait until something in a partnership breaks, before you use these sort of principles? Doesn’t it make sense to begin an intimate relationship like this? [This is especially important where women have previously experienced abuse or assault] OK maybe not for weeks on end with no genital contact. But even employed bite sized, for just an hour, the first time or first few times you *get it on* is a really useful exercise.

To agree e.g. no direct hand/mouth to genital contact. It takes the pressure off both of you. It forces you to get as close as you dare without breaking the rules. It slows you both down a little. The hornier you get, the more you talk and ask specific questions. What does she like, how, why ? It all helps teach you what she needs and when. Listen very carefully, tiny adjustments make a huge difference. What works at the start might not work after the third orgasm. And you might not reach the second at all if the first was great but too heavy-handed to allow for a second.

 She needs to know you will stick to the same pressure and speed and change nothing at all, if she tells you she’s close.

When two gay women make love, it’s naturally much closer to a Tantric approach, than with heterosexuals, since with women, it is usually more about turn taking. That lends itself to further exploration. Done right, it gives the opportunity to slow everything down. To really indulge each other. To embrace periods of stillness. And in turn sets the right sort of tempo for a variety of powerful multiple orgasms. There is really no need for anything to be rushed. Savour every moment.

Remember, men don’t keep changing positions just as a woman’s a minute or two from coming, to enhance her orgasm. It’s the technique they employ to stay hard and stop themselves from coming too soon. For God’s sake don’t do that if you’re a woman making love to another woman. Yes, your fingers might get cramp if your hand isn’t relaxed and supported on her body and you’re trying to move from the wrist, instead of the elbow or shoulder, but they won’t go soft. And neither will silicone. 😉

She needs to know you will stick to the same pressure and speed and spot and change nothing at all, if she tells you she’s close. An orgasm that builds very very slowly, is usually the best sort. And can only usually be achieved with the confidence in allowing it to build and build and build. Often with an unnerving stillness [we do that to maintain the precision we need]. Never feeling the need to grab at it, because you are quite close, but your lover keeps changing speed, pressure, position and you fear you’ll never get another chance.

Yes, of course there’s passion and moments of frenzied abandon, usually with the later, more heavily penetrative, orgasms. But you’ll take your lover further, for longer if that is not your default setting. Being that overbearing, hyperactive and OTT, I know best, style lover, leaves you nowhere to go in the orgasm stakes. If you’re sleeping with women, don’t be that lover.